Hello Azrael Tseng!

I'm offering this review because you're a new member. Please remember that everybody has different tastes. This critique is the opinion of only one person and offered in the spirit of constructive criticism with a hope that it will prove useful if you decide to further develop or edit your tale. Approaching your writing, I'm searching for specific elements that I shall address under separate headers.

Hook — does your story opening have something that grabs my attention and makes me want to read on?


It's always great to begin a short story with a question, so that there's a hook. However, there is a small problem beginning with dialogue because:
a) the reader doesn't know the protagonist yet, so they don't really care what they say unless it's really dramatic and eye-opening, like "I'm going to kill you" or "The world will end in twenty four hours".
b) the reader actually has no idea who's spoken, especially if there's no tag.

When reading your introduction, I had to read for three paragraphs before I understood that the first, opening sentence was spoken by the viewpoint narrator. When writing, we know who's speaking, so we tend to forget that the reader hasn't been introduced to the characters yet, and it's our responisibility to "do the honours".

Characters — do they feel like real people?


Excellent characters, especially Adonis. Yvarra comes across a tad shallow, but that's necessary. Adonis comes across as frightening, powerful, attractive, self-loathing, self-doubting and generally a very well constructed character. I like him a lot.

Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution?


I have to be brutally honest at this point. I DID "get" this, and it was a clear and cool resolution. However:
a) I'm not convinced everybody will understand the ending. To me it was clear, but to some people they won't get why Adonis would like to "change" and grow old. Think of your general audience.
b) The ending didn't "touch" me emotionally. I don't know how to fully explain this, but when I come to the end of a great story, the ending makes me: laugh/cry/hurl/want to read on/think "What the hell happened?" The ending of your story was kinda… oh, so that's why he doesn't want to change her.

I was hoping it was something with a bit more conflict embeded, or perhaps you were leading us down the wrong path so you could shock us at the end. I mean, I'm not sure what you could do, but just something a bit more explosive that has me grabbing the edge of my desk. Do you get what I mean?

I feel that perhaps it's because this character is in your novel (which is, of course, much longer than a short story) so you're trying to do things in 800 words that you really need a good 10,000 to do well.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?


Pacing was good. No problems there.

Language and voice — can a reader feel your story?


Clear and well written narrative. Just two small thoughts:

and when she squeezed it sent tingling trembles through her entire body. - squeezed what? It's unclear here. Do you mean squeezed her legs together?

but just lay there enjoying her touch and closeness. - this sounds a little like a viewpoint shift to him. Can you phrase it a bit more like it's her thoughts? eg. but lay there appearing to enjoy her touch and proximity.

Settings — have you grounded this reader in 'real' scenes?


With only 800 words to play with, you can't do much with settings. What you have here is adequate for such a tight piece of flash fiction.

Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality?


Yes, I get where you're coming from with this story. It's like the character of Rose in Twilight who wishes she's been able to do the things other girls did, especially have children, and so is bitter about the fact that she became immortal and unchangeable.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story.


Having read several of your stories now, I know you can construct an enticing opening hook and a breathtaking resolution, like with your Short Shots entry. This piece of flash fiction, though well written, unfortunately doesn't really hook at the beginning or leave me breathless at the end. I suppose it's because we've been so exposed to vampires of late, from I Am Legend through the Anne Rice books and The Vampire Diaries and onto the more recent Southern Vampire Mysteries and Twilight. It's no longer a hook to discover that one of the characters is a vampire. These days, that's kinda expected, sad to say. Neither is it particularly interesting that vampires are dangerous and beautiful, since that's kinda the take on most versions except the first I mentioned and Twenty Eight Days of Night. This story is missing something to jump off the page at me, I feel. Sorry.

Thank you for sharing your story with me. Since you're a new member of this community, please check out "Newbies ONLY Short Story & Poem Contest" We want to award the best new authors on this site, so please enter either a poem or a short story. Read the rules before posting an entry.

FORUM

Newbies ONLY Short Story & Poem Contest  (13+) Opening in January for entries! #1873271 by ~ Santa Sisco ~

Best wishes,

Bob




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .