Hello Azrael Tseng

I'm offering this review because you're a new member. Please remember that everybody has different tastes. This critique is the opinion of only one person and offered in the spirit of constructive criticism with a hope that it will prove useful if you decide to further develop or edit your poem.

What I liked.

DO NOT CHANGE ANYTHING IN YOUR POEM NOW! The contest rules of The Newbies + OPEN Poetry contest states no edits after submission.

However, I don't think you need edit anything later. This is a wonderful emulation of the Charge of the Light Brigade by Alfred, Lord Tennyson. I love the "booze" and "Brits" connection. Fantastic. Did you ever read Flashman at the Charge? A rather satirical account of the same battle. Your refrains are fabulous, and I particularly admire your use of alliteration there.

What I feel may need improvement.

DO NOT EDIT ANYTHING!

I love the poem, and feel it deserves much higher ratings than so far given, but it does have a few issues.

Tennyson wrote most of his poetry in what have become known as In Memoriam stanzas:

https://www.britannica.com/art/In-Memoriam-stanza

This structure requires the use of iambic tetrameter and a rhyming scheme ABBA.

Many of your masculine end rhymes don't, ie. they're merely near rhymes and not true rhymes. For example, "dust" and "us" don't rhyme:

http://www.rhymezone.com/r/rhyme.cgi?Word=Dust&typeofrhyme=perfect&org1=syl&org2...

Don't forget that you can always use rhymezone or similar sites to check your rhymes and search for alternatives.

You made a very admirable attempt at iambic tetrameter, which I applaud. Your refrains all use perfect form. The other lines wobble in places due to word choices that don't have the correct stress patterns to achieve the metre. For example, wherever you've used "into" you place it so "to" should be stressed, but it isn't. In "into" the "in" is stressed:

https://www.howmanysyllables.com/words/into

Don't forget that you can always use sites like "how many syllables" to check where the stresses fall in any particular multi-syllabic word.

Conclusion.

In spite of a few rhyming and meter related issues, this is one of the best poems I've read on this site in awhile. And that's NOT the booze speaking! Once the contest is over and has been judged by Sally, I can help you with the rhyme and metre, should you so desire. I think it deserves to do well in the contest, and I wish you "the Best of British" (ie. good luck)!

Thank you for sharing your poem with me. Since you're a new member of this community, please check out "Newbies ONLY Short Story & Poem Contest" We want to award the best new authors on this site, so please enter either a poem or a short story. Read the rules before posting an entry.

FORUM

Newbies ONLY Short Story & Poem Contest  (13+) Opening in January for entries! #1873271 by ~ Santa Sisco ~

Best wishes,

Bob



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .