Hello DMT - THANK YOU WRITE.COM

I hope that this review proves helpful to you. Please remember that everybody has different tastes. My critique is the opinion of only one person and offered in the spirit of constructive criticism with a hope that it will be useful if you decide to further develop or edit your tale. Approaching your writing, I'm searching for specific elements that I shall address under separate headers.

When approaching your story, I'm searching for specific elements, and each will be addressed under a different header.


Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your story?


It's great that Jake "falls" out of the tree in the opening. It's both action and funny. However, raders who've put the book down between chapters may become a bit lost because you don't open with any reminder of where they are, no setting details. Somehow you need to communicate two things to your reader that you don't at the moment: 1) that Jake is sleeping atop a tree; and, 2) that Jake is frightened because he thinks he's falling.

Characters — are they well rounded?


I like the banter between Jake and Callore and Jake's development as a fighter.

Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution, or hook if it's a chapter or serial?


What's actually happening is good. I like that Jake is learning how to kill. I like his growing connection with Callore. The opening fall was good. However, their discussion outside a tent they're supposed to be sneaking into silently was rather implausible. I mean, the guy inside is a vampire. Doesn't that mean he has really good hearing? Even if you were sneaking up to a human tent, you wouldn't start a long conversation just outside the tent flaps.

More conflict during the fight scene would be good, ie. Jake shouldn't be winning all the time, the other guy should wake and almost overpower Jake. His victory must be marginal and hard won, otherwise it won't interest the reader. The reader needs to fear that Jake might die.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?


I feel this chapter is a bit too rushed. You need more setting details, and a longer fight with more chance of Jake losing.

Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story?


Generally clear and easy to follow. Here are some notes:

"Will you Shh. Do you want to alert our prey to our presence?" - Jake couldn't find her a second ago, but now he's talking to her and she's answering. You need to show her arrival at his side, or him finding her, before he can ask a question and she answer it.

"We over slept, that's what," she scowled - speech tags that don't say how the speech was spoken are a separate sentence. So, here, you'd have "We over slept, that's what." She scowled.

That's another tale human children are told." She scowled, - she just scowled three paragraphs before, so have her do something different here.

"You want me to do it." Jake squealed. - squealed IS HOW the speech was spoken, so it's in the same sentence and a comma should be used, ie. "You want me to do it," squealed Jake.

He tiptoed up to the vampire and knelt down beside him. - he's inside a one-man tent. He won't be able to stand up, never mind tiptoe! Maybe "crawled" or "crept"

held it to the monsters throat and cut through the first layer of skin. - monster's - possessive apostrophe - Would Jake think of him as a monster, though? Callore just said Jake was a vampire, and he didn't react to it in a negative way then.

but his throat skin started to peel away as the young 'pire through the layers and chipped the bone - missing verb after 'pire, maybe "cut"?

Other son's make their fathers proud by winning trophies and medals - "sons", no apostrophe for plural


Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes?


I'd like to know a lot more about the environment here, especially the rough dimensions of the tent.

the blade hit a bone and blood poured onto the silk sheets and pillowcase on the bed. - silk sheets, pillowcase and bed? Inside a tent? You've got some weird setting issues here, Jackie

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story.


My feeling is that you'd be better off slowing down this chapter a bit and making Jake work more for his win.

Thank you for sharing your story with me. Good luck with your writing.

Best wishes,

Bob



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .