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Hi, 🌝 HuntersMoon!

I am the Wordy Jay , and this (hopefully) awesome review is brought to you by "The Mad Dash Contest" . I'm also reviewing your work as part of the "Invalid Item" .


Congrats on winning the Writer's Cramp with this entry! Your poem made an enjoyable read and I must say, your secret to fitness is priceless! Thanks for sharing!

Now, before we take the plunge, allow me to read you your rights...


The following review is just my 2 cents' worth!

Feel free to do whatever you wish with my opinions/suggestions --
whether it is to adopt them, discard them, or anything in between!

Ready? Here goes!

At First Glance

First Impression

I actually expected this to be an inspirational poem (albeit a light-hearted one). However, I wasn't disappointed, as I did find some genuine "words of wisdom" at the end!


Emotional Reaction

You made me chuckle!


What Worked?

Definitely the punchline in the last stanza. Very, very effective.

You also maintained a consistent tone of humour throughout the poem, which made it a fun read.

Reader Appeal

Title & Tagline

(un)Fitness
The secret of being in shape

Your Title and Tagline may appear to be simple and unassuming, but they work! I was intrigued, and wondered what manner of "(un)fitness secrets" you had to share.


Ending

You wrapped up the poem beautifully with your tongue-in-cheek advice. Nice work!

The Poem

Story/Message

You responded well to the prompt, and came up with a delightful tale of one man's stint in the gym after a long absence. Even within the confines of 40 lines, you managed to craft a well-defined beginning, climax and resolution. Good job!


Rhythm & Rhyme

Overall, your poem reads ok, but the rhythm and rhyming are not very consistent throughout.

There seems to be 2 rhyming schemes within your poem: ABAB and ABCB. Rhythm-wise, some parts appear to be a little choppy.


Tone/Flow

Although the rhythm and rhyme isn't quite spot on, your poem, in general, does flow well. The cheeky tone adopted also suits the content of your poem perfectly.

Language

Spelling/Grammar/Punctuation

There's a typo in Line 2, Stanza 2. You wrote "quiet" but I think you meant "quite"

Other than that, I didn't notice any glaring mistakes.


My Favourite Lines

but I couldn’t see past the fat.

Real effective way of "showing, not telling" your readers just how fat you are (ahem, you know I'm referring to your character, right? ) .


“What are you some kind of wussy?”
All I could do was nod yes.

LOL. I'm sure Coach did not appreciate that!


He turned his attention elsewhere
and I slithered out of the door.
Now mind you, I would gladly walk
but even my feet were too sore.

Love the way you played with the meaning of the word "slithered" here! Nice!


I discovered the secret of fitness
and it’s something that I should have known.
Only make love in the dark …
and always shower alone.

This one's my absolute favourite! What can I say!

Conclusion

Summary

You tackled a (sometimes) sensitive topic with wit and humour, and your lively style of narration kept things interesting.

The only thing that was lacking in this poem was a consistency in rhyme and rhythm. However, it didn't prove to be a major issue as your verses still flowed well, in spite of it.


In a Nutshell

An entertaining poem about losing weight!



Well, I do hope you found my comments and suggestions helpful. Please know that this detailed critique was done in the spirit of support and encouragement.


All the best in your writing adventures!

Jay