Hi, SB Musing!

I am the Wordy Jay , and this (hopefully) awesome review is brought to you by "The Newbies Academy Group" .

Warped Sanity is helping me become a better reviewer via the NAG's Review Boost programme and this is yet another one of my assignments -- many thanks for volunteering your work, again!

Now, before we take the plunge, allow me to read you your rights...


The following review is just my 2 cents' worth!

Feel free to do whatever you wish with my opinions/suggestions --
whether it is to adopt them, discard them, or anything in between!

Ready? Here goes!

At First Glance

First Impression

What a unique take on the afterlife!


What Worked?

I think the story idea is excellent!

You explored some interesting concepts about:

(1)the possible origin of the Sandmen/Dream Makers, and
(2)what Limbo is actually like.

Reader Appeal

Title & Description

Dream Maker Society
For the Dialogue 500 Contest, a woman gets thrown into the job of creating dreams.

Your title is good as it piques readers' interest right away and makes them want to find out more about the story. (It made me wonder whether the story would be about a secret society of sorts!)

Unfortunately, your one-line description gives away too much of the story, and dampens reader curiosity immediately. Try to keep things exciting by hinting at what is to come.

Personally, I wouldn't mention the Dialogue 500 Contest within the description-line. If you want to give your readers extra details about the story, why don't you create an Author's Note at the end of the piece, instead?


Hook

Did you intrigue me right off the bat? Yes, you did!

I was really curious about your take on Limbo. The eternal grind? Tell me more!


Ending

Unfortunately, the ending was rather flat. I felt that the last 2 lines were really weak (and a little cliched), and there was no resolution to the story.

It might have worked if this was an introductory scene to a novel but as a stand-alone, it left this reader feeling quite cheated. What? That's it?!

The Story

Story Idea

It's interesting and unique. Good job here!


Setting

You defined the setting clearly from the start. There was no confusion as to what's going on -- nice work!


Plot

Alas, this was the most disappointing part of the story. There was no climax, and the story was left "hanging" at the end. A real pity!

You "revealed" the woman's destiny early on in the story so there was no longer an element of mystery to keep things exciting. The whole story seems to be about the woman's refusal to accept her fate. And that's it!

Perhaps the following suggestions might inspire you to "spice things up" a little:

The woman's destiny isn't revealed until the end. (Though you might possibly have to re-write the entire story to achieve this effect.)

Somehow, the woman gets a reprieve. (There was a glitch in the system or a case of mistaken identity.)

The woman meets somebody unexpected there. (Take this any direction you want!)

The woman tricks Dan (or Jim) into letting her go. (She could end up failing or succeeding.)

The Cast

Characters

I'm afraid I didn't really like your main character (the nameless woman). In fact, I found her to be quite annoying! To me, she came across as whiny and entitled, instead of scared and confused. This made me take Dan's side, instead of sympathising with her!

If Dan was supposed to be the villain, you'd have to cast him in a more cruel light. You would also need to soften the woman's character more -- make your reader believe she's helpless and terrified.


Dialogue

As this entire piece is made up of dialogue, there is no other way you can portray your characters, except through what they say. This makes character development quite a challenge.

Your main character's personality was clearly revealed through her lines, but Dan and Jim didn't stand out very much. All I could tell was that Jim had more patience than Dan did.

The entire dialogue captured the spirit of contention strongly. Perhaps weaving different emotions into the lines might make the story more interesting -- instead of just sounding like a typical argument.

Language

Punctuation

I didn't notice any glaring mistakes. However, the delivery of your lines could be improved with more effective use of punctuation. Let me give you a few examples:


Paragraph 2

You're awake? Good!

[More expressive.]


Paragraph 5

This isn't real! It . . . it can't be!

[Greater disbelief.]



Grammar

Your grammar is ok, but there were times when you included 2 distinct phrases in 1 sentence, when they should have been separated instead. Let me show you what I mean:


Paragraph 2

Welcome to the afterlife! I like to call this the eternal grind after death.

[The 2 phrases are now separated to form 2 different sentences.]


Paragraph 12

Stop struggling! Arguing won't change anything -- it'll just make me sound like a broken record.

[Same here.]

Conclusion

Summary

The premise of your story is a sound one. Once you add more structure to the story (by including a climax and a resolution), it will surely become more lively and engaging. You'll also need to flesh out your characters and define their voices a little more, if you want to evoke an emotional response from your readers.

I know it's probably a lot to aim for when you have a 500-word limit, but I'm sure you can do it!


In a Nutshell

You have a great story idea worth pursuing -- all you need to do is brush up on the mechanics/technical aspects of the piece.



Well, I do hope you found my comments and suggestions helpful. Please know that this detailed critique was done in the spirit of support and encouragement.

All the best in your writing adventures!



Write, write, write away!

Jay