\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED ITEMS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://webx1.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4274511
Review #4274511
Viewing a review of: {citem:}
Review of  Open in new Window.
Review by Angus Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*

Greetings, Blake!
You have a good intro here to something longer, but since it's just a short narrative rather than a story, I can't really do too much judging about it. I also know it's for a contest (but not which one), so I'm also guessing you might have a word count.
You've done a nice job of describing what poor John's going through as he tries to keep up with his colleagues, and if you're going to make this longer, I'd suggest adding more description of his surroundings. I used to live in Alaska, and I've seen Mt. McKinley many times, although I never even attempted to climb it! But I do know how beautiful Alaska is, so like I say, I think it would behoove this story a lot to add some environmental description.
Otherwise, so far, so good.
Sorry to be so picky, but I did see a couple of tiny niggles:
'The morning sun permeated through the cloud(,) resulting in a beautiful light show.'
'I don’t want to say it(')s impossible...'
Kee ponw ritin gon, Blake, and welcome to WdC! If you like to write (I know you're just starting out), then you're going to love it here!
PS-You might want to add a little more to your bioblock (biography)so we can know a little something about you (hobbies, favorite authors and books, what color your carpet is {e:bigsmile), but that's up to you, of course.

GROUP
The WDC Angel Army Open in new Window. (ASR)
Dedicated to promoting positivity, encouragement, and support to the WDC community.
#1188309 by iKïyå§amhain Author IconMail Icon

PPS-If you want more exposure for your items you can put them on the Please Review Page or The Shameless Plug Page under Community on the left hand side.

my signature



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
   *CheckG* You responded to this review 11/16/2016 @ 1:01am EST
Printed from https://webx1.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4274511