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 Review #4267870 |
| (4.0)| Bon jour, Sharon! This is different; granted it was a very dark piece, but it was also sad, because things like unfortunately really do happen in this world. I don’t know if it’s so much a story as it is a chronological summation of Lisa’s sad life, a life that she becomes accustomed to because she knows no other one. This fiend, Graham, has her under his finger, and he does what he wants to her, which is a sick and demented thing to do to anybody, let alone a child. It was very well written, considering the subject matter, but I have a concern with your overuse of commas and lack of periods. Most of the sentences in this are run-ons. This is strange, because most of the time I find writers doing just the opposite-not using enough commas. But on the plus side, I’m glad you ended it where you did without delving any further into what happened after Graham started sharing her bed. A couple of niggles you did need commas: ‘From the outside, things seemed ok(,) considering what this family had been through(,) but things began to change subtly...’ ‘Can I name him(,) daddy(?)’ Overall, I thought this wasn’t bad, but I think if you went back over it and polished it up a little (concerning the overuse of commas and the lack of periods) it could be better. But that’s just my humble opinion, and you’re more than welcome to tell me where I can put my opinion. Kee ponw ritin gon, Sharon, and have great day!
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You responded to this review 10/21/2016 @ 9:19pm EDT