Hello Giant Phantom Jelly !


I'm your local Sb here reviewing for the Simply Positive group. I'm also reviewing as part of this Piratey event: "Invalid Item" . Let's get rolling!

Corrections/Suggestions
First impressions- This piece covers how time is your biggest enemy... and I agree, it is quite the formidable opponent and procrastination just adds to it getting away with so much for so little we've done. I do have some suggestions for you to play with if you wanted to:

It is full of pretence and delusion,-

This reads a little long compared to the other lines within this first stanza. I would cut back on some words that may not be needed within this first line. Here's my suggestion:

It has pretence and delusion,
modifying itself

I love the alliteration going on with the third stanza where you have 'swollen/scattered/swallows' happening with these three different 's' words. This made it one of my favorites lines to read.

Rhythm/Rhyming

This poem seems to be based as a free style poem so this type of poetry doesn't need to follow a set rhyming scheme, syllable count, etc. I did notice the rhythm being slightly off with the first stanza but I offered a suggestion to help with this.

Things Which I Enjoyed
Scattered with dreams
set to expire.
Swollen with tears.
Swallows you whole.


I gotta say I loved the alliteration going on with these three lines towards the end of this poem. I felt the beginning was strong and dragged me into this poem about time being your enemy from the start. You do a great job with the metaphors never telling us that you speak of time and build up the image for ourselves to discover.

Overall Comments
Overall this is an enjoyable poem and I loved how you described time as an adversary. The last bit of this poem where you say that you wait for it to pass and fear the one day it will without you noticing is a strong ending to this piece. I hope this little review is helpful for you. Thank you for sharing and keep on writing! =D

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .