One more review for you. I know that this is a rough draft (if you intend to revise at all, that is), so I'm not judging your writing ability based on this story. The comments are just... for what's on the page.


Favorite Aspects

The title is really cute, considering the story. That is what caught my eye in the first place. It's clever. The story itself could be clever as well if it was a bit less... expected.

Plot

The way the plot unfolds is a bit odd? It reads like a list of unexpected things. Hell freezing over... salt shaker glowing... etc. It feels... disjointed. And because I couldn't lose myself in the actual unfolding of the story, I was hyper-aware of those list items. So the ending was not at all a surprise. I was just waiting for her to "get it" because I understood a long time ago.

Really, the freezing temps in Hell gave the entire plot away less than halfway through.

Technical / Grammar / Syntax

Ending a sentence with a preposition is one of those 'frowned upon' things, if not really a broken rule. Those types of things distract me. I might consider ending the first sentence of the story with something else. "Walking toward them" perhaps?

"The TV in the lunch hall was tuned into" - Should be "tuned to".

"Megan found herself catching the tail-end" - That "found herself catching" sort of thing drives me nuts, no offense. It isn't making great use of language. Did she find herself... or did she catch the tail-end? Which is more important? There are other ways to say that she last bit of it caught her attention.

"There was a salt shaker on the table between them, and its contents were glowing." - 'were glowing' is passive voice. "its contents glowed" means the same thing but is active.

"Jerome was still staring" - This is a split infinitive. The predicate ("was staring") is split by "still". Also... "was staring" is passive voice again. "Jerome still stared" or "Jerome continued to stare" are both fitting replacements.

The piece could use a general revision just for these types of issues. One or two instances of passive voice and one split infinitive wont make or break a story, but too many make for a tedious read... and these aren't the only ones. Just at a glance, here's another:

"was already coming" - Another passive voice predicate and split infinitive. In this case, the passive voice is the best choice... but it should be "already was coming", technically. If that's too awkward, rewrite. It's these little things that can lose a reader.

Effect

This could be really cute and fun... an entertaining piece. I do think that it's amusing enough to deserve some TLC. But if you never do another thing with it and just leave it as it is (like everyone does with these types of challenges, myself included), it still stands as a fun little piece of flash.





My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .