What Caught My Eye

Well, since you linked the piece to me... I'm not sure that this applies. That said though, I did click on this one before "2 Men Fencing", even though it was listed second. The title is good.

Favorite Aspects

This is vague enough that people can interpret it in different ways, which makes it super relateable. Personally, it sounds like a bulimic to me. If that was the intention, it succeeded.

Language / Word Choice

"in the mirror with the" struck me as really bulky. I've been staring at it for a while now, considering ways to tweak it. Really, it is 100% necessary for the meaning... but the phrasing. Hmmm. Maybe... "contact with the reflection"?

"contact with the reflection

the one person who'd judge me."

Yeah... I think that might work nicely. I do like moving that second "the" to the next line IF you do a stanza break. That last line is... sort of akin to a volta. It's a twist. The first four lines describe a scene... the fifth is something entirely different. Offsetting it will make it that much more of a stunner sort of last statement, in my opinion.

I would also try to tighten up those first two lines somehow. I keep toying with it in my head... I've probably rewritten it 10 times now. Different line breaks don't seem to give it less of that "list" type quality. There is a certain static quality to it, if you know what I mean. Thus far, I've tried one verb (e.g. washed smears and hands type of thing), all sorts of different line breaks, and a bunch of other things. The only ones that seem like they could be helpful are:

1. Shift it to present tense. "Wipe" and "wash" give it a lighter sound than "wiped" and "washed".

2. Cut the "a" from the first line by making 'smear' plural. "I wipe smears of chocolate".

Another possibly helpful tweak: "I wipe chocolate smears". Compared to "I wiped a smear of chocolate", I think the concise version might be a better hook. And from there... hmmm... indulge me:

I wipe chocolate smears from lips
and wash my hands,
never making eye
contact...

That would cut the double use of "my"... an article, a preposition. Hmmm... I dunno. Just some things for you to toy with. I'd do something with those first two lines, but I don't know what.

Effect

Man... I'm not really sure that my style of feedback for a friend really meshes with a formal review. It's all just... weird. Sorry for that... but I hope something is useful in here.




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .