Alright, Elle. It feels super weird now to give you real reviews. Like... so static and impersonal or something? For much the same reason that I never ever EVER give Charlie official reviews. First, I hate rating your stuff because it seems weird. Like, this isn't the final state of things... so you know. And second, it's nicer to have some give and take. A conversation.

But... I have to review a bunch of people for "Fantasy and Science Fiction Society" , and I also need some reviews for Min's "WdC Kind Hearts" , which I've been doing every month. Two birds with one stone... you're a member and also a mod. Meh.

What Caught My Eye

I was mostly just looking for something that I might not have given you feedback for. The first few I clicked on, I helped you revise. Depending on how this review goes, I might just go ahead and do one of those anyway. "Know Your Audience" was one of them... and I do really like that piece.

So anyway, I remembered one or two you wrote around the funeral. Not sure if this is the same grandpa or not, but no matter. I definitely haven't given you feedback on this one.

Favorite Aspects

I actually like the message here. The narrative is easy and natural... you showed us what he's like rather than just telling us. That's the way it should be.

Language / Word Choice

Some of the lines feel... static. I guess the poem has that type of feel to it, but aside from some bulky phrasing here and there (e.g. 'I just wanted a' which is super conversational and also a line with no interesting word choice), the real culprit seems to be the line breaks. They're not dynamic at the moment... and they're mostly at expected intervals... new phrase, new line.

Instead, you took a
foil-wrapped chocolate
bunny from the cupboard
and hurried
outside to hide it
beneath an overturned pot.

Just a wee bit of shifting gives it a more interesting flow and really highlights the important words better. Foil, chocolate, bunny and cupboard are the words that begin and end those lines in the middle. The eye tends to linger on those, and even just glancing at them casually, the eye goes straight to those.

You missed an awesome opportunity here, by the way... this is a bunny... he took it from a cupboard. One word: magician. It's unexpected... it has pizzazz and style... pulling a bunny from a hat. So, I might change up the phrasing a bit. Say... oh... describing the cupboard like a top hat and saying "pulled a bunny / chocolate & foil-wrapped". Given the ordering, you could even say "from the cupboard / top hat" and it wouldn't seem strange. "Chocolate & foil-wrapped" has a great ring to it, by the way. I'd consider doing that anyway.

Effect

Alright... that's all I've got for you at the moment. Play with those line breaks. Even if you totally ignore the magician thing (which I still think is fitting... magicians wow children and whatnot too), play with those line breaks. This is a really solid draft though. It's not hard to see growth between poems you wrote a year ago and pieces like this. Keep on with it.




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .