Okay, one more! I might as well go with a story this time... and something a bit more recent as well. You know that I love flash fiction. As I recall, I reviewed a whole bunch of your flash back in the day. Heck... this folder has a ribbon on it from me.


What Caught My Eye

With the book entry format, the only thing that COULD catch my attention was the title. Really though, I just chose the most recent. I'm pretty happy about that decision too, since I like a bit of dark flash.

Favorite Aspects

Honestly? The basic premise here is the best part. It's super creepy. The idea itself is just... unsettling?

Character(s)

There isn't much characterization here at all. The sickly starving girl has a bit of character, but the narrator has none at all. There could be a bit more to her. In one way, it's interesting to have your personality swallowed by this space she woke in... I get that. But there could be something to her. Even just saying that... her identity lost in the darkness... would give her more character than she has right now.

Setting

The setting is interesting. I don't really understand it though as far as the visual goes. So... she can see walls stretching for miles, but no light filters down to the ground? The walls aren't all that high. Even assuming both of them are 6 ft tall, the wall could only be, what... 10 feet? Not to get all technical, but you know... it seemed a bit odd that they'd be in utter darkness but be able to see when lifted a few feet.

More description would be helpful. So, there is a light source several miles away. Well... the walls nearest the source would be lit along the edges... and those closest to them would be completely dark. If you described that gradation in one sentence, it would 1. make more sense that they're in the dark and 2. add to the feeling of vastness.

Effect

Overall, I love the idea. It doesn't give you much to sink your teeth into though... and it could. Sure, the piece is incredibly short. I get that. But you could leave it the same length and still have more substance. Rather than the dialogue of how she eats (which is the entire middle of the story), you could have that entire conversation in a few sentences and include more imagery and a bit more description.

You could also make the descriptions you use more vivid. Lifting a dirty bone-thin girl? That is a sensory overload situation. Saying she felt like a bag of bones is serviceable, but it isn't horrifying. The poet in you could make a reader react viscerally to that. So why not do it? The intro is also a bit on the generic side. Awaking in darkness... dust... it works but could be a stronger hook.

Just some things to think about. Personally, I think that this is worth exploring more. The idea is creepy and could be totally disturbing or really... memorable.



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .