What Caught My Eye

Back for one more review for that "Fantasy and Science Fiction Society"  challenge! And... back to poetry. You write lots of it... I review lots of it. No sense straying too far from the old comfort zone, right?

To be honest here, what caught my eye was the word list: blush, blossom, blew, blaze, black, bled, blue, blistering.

That is a horrific prompt. There is over-the-top alliteration, and then there is THAT. Honestly, I don't think I could have done it without annoying myself.

Favorite Aspects

My favorite aspect... you used that insane alliteration without making me want to shoot myself. Seriously, you spread them out pretty well and used them in interesting enough ways to not be tedious. That is an amazing feat, really. There is still one too many in the first stanza (for my taste), but it's alright.

Language / Word Choice

"blush of dawn" / "winds of dawn blew" - This seemed very repetitive to me, and not in a good or helpful way. It also called attention to those "bl-" words.

I also appreciate the use of "interstellar" and "intergalactic" here, as they are used in ways that work for their meanings. Seems like some people just think they are synonyms for "space" or "galaxy" or "universe"... they're not.

Flow / Rhythm

I stumbled hard over that second to last line. I'd probably rebreak those lines a bit to improve the flow. My suggestion (though you don't have to take it):

which penetrates even the black
void of intergalactic space
with its blistering beauty.

"black" isn't really needed there.

Imagery

I love that second stanza. That is probably my favorite bit of imagery. Great use of that "blue" required word as well.

Originality

I think that some of your phrases are very original and creative while others are a bit stagnant and predictable. A few cliche/uninteresting phrases:

winds of dawn
radiant splendor
across the battle field
darkness surrounds and / embraces

All of these sounded like... par for the course. They're fitting and suitable, but they're the most obvious choices. There might be opportunities to create something fresh and interesting in there.

Effect

Overall, I think this is a decent draft. I feel like it might as well be one of my own first drafts because the mix is just like mine. You have a few cool lines... and one stellar (no pun intended) stanza. The rest could be scrapped or reworked. That is about how my rough drafts usually turn out too. Sometimes I rework them... other times I just strip the good parts and write something new. Regardless of what you do with the rest, that second stanza gets 5-stars from me.



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .