Hi, Prosperous Snow celebrating ! I'm working on a challenge for "Fantasy and Science Fiction Society"  and have to review a few group members. I've reviewed your poetry before and know that the quality is pretty high, so I decided to check your port. I don't think that I've ever actually read one of your stories? I might as well give one a shot.


What Caught My Eye

Really, the title is what caught my attention first. It sounds creepy. When I saw the horror/death genres, that was enough for me to click on it.

Favorite Aspects

I think it's clear that you write poetry, even in your prose. I would say that it is true for more of my stories too. It's the uniqueness of phrasing. I enjoyed that.

Intro & Ending

I like to talk about the ending and intro if I have something to say. They determine if a reader will continue reading and leave satisfied, respectively... so they're important. I thought that the story was fun here, but I wasn't entirely satisfied with the ending. I think part of that is the "heard it before" last line.

"A shiver ran up her spine as she descended into the grave."

That is pretty generic. Even in this story, you use others:

"sending [icicles] up Vera's spine" - first line
"Shivering in fear"

So, by the final use... it feels a bit tired. Use that poetic squint of yours to leave people with a quirky and memorable note. I am positive that you can do that.

Style / Tone

There was a bit more telling than showing in here. Your descriptions are nice, but they didn't drag me into the story. For instance, the third and fourth stanzas are almost entirely 'telling'. I'm not a huge fan of the "show don't tell" rule because there is a time and place for telling. Here, you might want to mix it up a bit more.

Grammar / Syntax

"sending ice cycles up Vera's spine" - should this not be "icicles"? I stumbled over that pretty hard... and since it's in the very first sentence, it might be a good idea to give that a look.

"This night" - The entire first paragraph is in past tense, as is the second. "This" indicates the present. The phrase isn't really necessary, but if you want to keep it, the "this" should be changed to "that".

Effect

Overall, I think this is an alright draft of a story. It could use a little TLC sometime if you feel like it, but it's serviceable. I know that I rarely seem to return to edit these types of contest entries, but you know... it might be worth another look.





My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .