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Review #4224653
Viewing a review of:
 A Lesson in Humility Open in new Window. [E]
It's those pivotal moments in all our lives that meld & form our essence!
by Adelieda Author Icon
Review by ruwth Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)

May God bless both of us as we grow as writers together!


Adelieda,

Hello! I am reading and reviewing your item entitled "A Lesson in Humility" as part of this activity: "a very Wodehouse challenge" Open in new Window..

Apart from an activity/challenge like this, I tend to avoid reviewing fiction because I don't write fiction. I mainly write essays and articles. So, you can understand I don't know a lot about YOUR craft. I will do the best I can to give you some constructive feedback.

I like the expression "age of immortality". I've not heard it before but isn't that how young folks tend to be -- thinking nothing bad will happen to them.

I think "well experienced" should be: well-experienced. I thought about suggesting "well-versed" but well-versed in adversities sounds a bit redundant, eh?

I love this sentence:

Nature has a masterful way of bringing humility to the arrogance of youth and mankind.

I don't like this one:

It all began early one morning after a 4:00 AM breakfast, prepared by the cow foreman's wife at a remote cow camp.

It is too wordy for me. Later, you call the cow foreman's wife, Mrs. Cow Boss. (I'm assuming this is the same person.) How about giving her a name and introducing us to her some how at the start of your story.

Remember, show don't tell. (I know those words and am able to see the difference but I can't yet do it myself.) I can tell you this story can be improved by moving from telling it to showing it.

I just did a ctrl F and searched for the word: that. Cut most of them. Instant improvement every time -- this I know from experience. It is one of the first things I do now to improve a piece of my own writing. I always start out with too many thats. *Blush*

I think you might also want to give Cow Boss a name as well.

Another phrase I love:

Just as Spud is doing the paper work of the job,

Question: Would a cow-poke actually allow himself to be dragged across a field? I would think that might warrant letting go of the reins.

I suggest you check this out. If I am right, you can still use the story. Let Spud get pulled out of the outhouse and knocked off his feet. Then, he could let go of the reins, fix his pants and corral the horse.

Still a funny sight to see (or imagine), eh?

You could have him glance up at the window as he is fixing his pants -- and see Sarah looking out right then. (Did you notice I gave her a name? *Wink*)

This sentence doesn't work for me:

Spud looked away, caught his stirrup, and rode away glowing

I would suggest having him mount Tar Baby and ride off. I would suggest he be crimson versus glowing -- since I think you are indicating he is blushing. (Which would be completely understandable considering.)

Personally, I would end with this line:

Of course, the vibrant colors that morning were probably just the early morning sunrise casting its glow on the day.


The word glow works in that sentence -- and I think it is the perfect way to end your story.

I do not think the next paragraph nor the final line add anything and they might actually detract.

I think ending with him riding off crimson and suggesting maybe it was just the glow from the sunrise would be a great way to conclude your lesson in humility.

Actually, how about something like this:

Spud mounted Tar Baby with as much dignity as he could muster. As he rode off to rejoin the crew, his face was bright crimson that Sarah could probably see from the window. Mother Nature had taught Spud a lesson in humility or maybe it was just Of course, the vibrant colors of the early morning sunrise casting its glow on the day.

Final suggestion: names. Call Tar Baby by his name, and the cow boss and Sarah by theirs as well. *Wink*

I enjoyed reading about Spud's outhouse related horsey adventure. Hope you have enjoyed reading my review. *Smile*

Write On!





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