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 Review #4224391 |
 Shaara, Your story "Bet and the Stranger" held my interest. I found very few things I consider errors. I will take a moment to point out those I did find: The stranger who had ridden into town was lean and good-looking. But black embossed leather boots, clinking with spurs drew her attention from his body. There is a period after good-looking but the second "sentence" begins with the word "But" -- which makes the second sentence not grammatically correct. Also, most of your story is smooth to read -- this part about the boots and the spurs is not. Suggestion: Bet didn't notice his looks though, she noticed his spurs. You wrote: “Hey, Bet, you fixxxin’ to have a dwink?” he slurred, attempting to stick a smile on his face, but only managing to half curl the right side of his lips. “Sure am, Joey, but you go on home. Looks to me like you’ve had yours.” “Ah, Bet….” Joey clung onto a support beam with two hands, squinting and blinking at the man next to Bet. “Who you swith, there, Kiiit? Isss he shomeone I shshould knooow?” The way you represented the drunk's slurred speech here and elsewhere in your story does not work for me. I don't have a specific suggestion but I know I have seen drunk-speech patterns written well in other writings. I suggest you google this idea and see if you can help us hear Joey slurring those words. My final criticism -- I simply DO NOT LIKE the idea of a woman falling in love with a man who forced a kiss on her. Can you have him do something different -- something that gives her a comeuppance without being totally disrespectful and a complete boundary violation. I almost stopped reading when he grabbed her and forced a kiss on her and the whole tongue thing -- I was afraid where it was leading -- I was afraid it was leading somewhere I did not want to go. Other than those things, I enjoyed the story -- and was a tad surprised at the ending. You could add a bit more of the scene in the bar where Charlie and Brett are interacting -- as Charlie deliberately loses his house to him. I especially liked where you slipped in the stranger's name -- the stranger was revealed to be Brett -- but was still the stranger at that time as well. That was done well in my book! Hope you get something from this review! Oh, I do not write fiction nor do I usually review it. I did today for an activity: "a very Wodehouse challenge"  .Just so ya know...
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You responded to this review 07/09/2016 @ 9:02am EDT