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 Review #4218862 |
| (3.0)  Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! Greetings, Kingnyro! This isn't bad, but you've got a lot of grammar errors in it: missing commas, periods, and capitalization mainly. I like the story, but it's also a little confusing there at the end in Nan's dream and a few other places. You jump back and from Nan and her mother, and it takes the reader a 2nd or 3rd read to figure out whose throat was cut. Don't get me wrong-starting this out with that limerick is a neat and original idea, but the story needs to be tightened up with more detail. "nothing today" his booming words slurred...' (Nothing) "you promised me you would do everything to make me happy...' (You) 'He paused to take a swig from his flask' (He just threw it against her face. Is this a new flask?) "when they found her they couldn't even identify her." (We don't know who 'her' is until later in the story) 'Nan ran he(r) fingers over her cheek bones...' I think you really need to go over this and proofread it for mistakes. You have a good story, but it's the telling of it that needs some help, as well as the grammar. I know you're probably not going to like this review, but I'm being honest. Not to brag, but I've written about 100 short pieces, and I always try for perfection. I'm sending you back your 900 Gift Points. Thanks anyway, but I don't really need them, and you're new here and will need them in the future. My advice is to proofread and/or read a book and see how they do their dialogue. You also might want to have somebody else review this the way you did with me and see what they have to say. Like I said, I'm just being honest, as rough as it might sound. But don't get discouraged because that's what WdC is all about: helping each other become better writers. Kee ponw ritin gon, and welcome to WdC!
PS-If you want more exposure for your items you can put them on the Please Review Page under Community on the left hand side.
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