"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 




Please remember that you are the best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever I say, whether positive or negative, is just my opinion!

Hi Brimstone& chocolate, My name is River The Wizard Café: Part 1 I found this story on the Read a Newbie Page.

Hooks: I like the title and story description. Good hooks.

Overall Impression: I like this first chapter. If I had a child of Alex's age group, this is the type of book I would want him/her to be reading. It teaches responsibility, discipline, and patience among other things. Alex is a good role model.

The characters are well developed and bring a clear image to mind. The dialogue and interactions between the siblings are excellent.


My Favorite Part: The last time Sally Ann had whined and thrown a tantrum, Sally Ann had had to stand in time out for fifteen minutes. To a six year old that is like an eternity. And Alex was not afraid to do it again, no matter what the neighbors thought of the kicking and the screaming.


Suggestions

In the beginning there is a slight overuse of the word, automatically. I get that you're showing that Alex is preoccupied and overwhelmed by his responsibilities, but sometimes it's better to use a synonym now and then.

I'm not trying to be picky, but it would be easier for your readers, here at WDC, if you used line breaks between the paragraphs.



Final Thoughts: You have a good story here and I'm looking forward to reading Chapter Two.


Write On


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