Hello! I really enjoyed your piece and first and foremost would like to thank you for sharing.
Also, thank you for asking me to read your piece, I appreciate it!

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I'd suggest switching up your sentence structure. All the sentences read the same. I find it more interesting as a reader if you switch them up varying between short and long and differing your punctuation. This can also help with pacing your piece. It gives you much more control over how your reader reads the piece. Consider looking into em dashes and other forms of punctuation to spice up your piece.

Otherwise I think you have a good handle on grammar and punctuation. Some sentences did sound awkward, but I think with another draft, this could be spot on. Try reading your piece out loud to find the spots that sound a little off.

“Kneel, on the pillow?” he asked in a surprised tone.

Val crossed the room with nervous eyes, knelt on the pillow, and stared at the floor.

Biting my lip to keep from swearing in front of Val--that was the last thing he needed--I bent down and whispered into his ear.

I'd like to see more of the place where they are. I think you focus more on the characters' actions (which isn't a bad thing) more than where they actually are. I'd just like to get more of a sense for the setting. Is this a higher scale place or a poverty stricken one? I also am not quite sure (since I don't know much about hockey besides the game) what level these guys are at. Is this high school? minor league? Also, I didn't realize it was hockey until you mentioned the NHL, I was actually thinking football for some reason. Just give more about their surroundings. What does the room look like? Where are they at in their careers? I'd just like to see more. You've interested me, but left me with questions. I'd consider starting at the end of practice (like before they get to the locker room) just to add more scenery to where your characters are at.

You use a lot of "telling" words rather than letting the character's actions speak for themselves. By this I mean there is a lot of explanation in the actions. For example in one of my edits above I crossed out "in a surprised tone". It's already clear that the character is surprised. I'd suggest going through and editing words out to make the piece more concise and to the point.

I like that this is a snapshot story. It is only one moment, but you developed it well. I like slice of life stories and I like what you did with this one confession. It does feel a bit rushed, but that's an issue I also have. I think you could definitely expand on this, adding a bit more pacing up until the confession. It just seemed weird to me that someone that would obviously have trust issues would blurt out such a thing in such detail so quick. I'd suggest showing a little more hesitancy and getting the narrator to earn some trust before Val gives away everything. Add suspense!

I liked that this piece was in first person. It adds a level of intimacy that is needed in the story. I think telling it from one point of view adds to the mystery of Val and allows us to discover his secrets along with the narrator. I think you captured his voice well, giving him certain narrative quirks that make the piece interesting (like biting his lip to keep from swearing).

You have a good handle on actions. You definitely know how to place your characters and animate them in a believable way. I find for some authors it is hard to move their characters and have them interact with the objects around them, but I think you definitely have that under control.

You also differentiated the characters well. I've noticed some authors write their characters very similarly and it's hard to distinguish who is who. You managed to write the characters as their own people and that's really cool. I also liked that you worked in quirks for the narrator like I mentioned in the 'voice' section.

However, I'd like to know more about these characters. What do they look like, what is their history? I know the other guy is a rookie and that he came from Finland, but why did he transfer? How long has the other guy been around to be a mentor? Is that a position everyone receives after a certain point or is it an esteemed position? Just add more to really flesh out these characters.