Hello! I really enjoyed your piece and first and foremost would like to thank you for sharing.
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I think you've got a pretty good handle on grammar and punctuation. I just found a few things to correct listed below. Overall, I think you varied punctuation well and that the piece flowed smoothly.


When the young man appears and is offering to turn Peter invisible, it sounds like he's going to be the one turning invisible. The language should say "If I turn you invisible" rather than "If I turn invisible for you"

You can say 'good-bye'--whatever.

The officer looked straight into Peter's eyes and Peter's struggled to keep a stoic and still face

never even thought of this, being too happy and excited to get into the army

"All right. Sit down, Peter," the man started.
"I told you, don't say 'Peter'!"
You needed a new paragraph because a new character was acting.

I learned how to control the invisibility

He opened his mouth and then suddenly--against his will--he was blurting out,

All men to the bed now!
Maybe the barracks?

I've loved you for the past few months.

I'd like to know more about the town they're in. I don't know if you had a word limit, but if you ever expand on this piece: describe the town. I don't understand how the gold he gets would be distributed if the other army men would help out or whatnot. It sounds like a small interesting community and I would just like to know more about how it works and what it looks like.

I really enjoyed reading this story--I thought it was cute. I like Thomas's back story about how he found Peter and why he is helping him. It helps a lot to reveal things about Peter's character that Peter's inner voice couldn't tell the reader. I think the events run smoothly into each other and I liked that you included another incident of invisibility with the army men to show that Thomas would still be there even when Peter just needed to show off ( ;) ). Good story that kept me reading until the end!

I liked your narrator, I thought it fit the story well. You had a good third person voice while still following Peter and Peter only. I think it flowed well, and that the voice was solid.

So, first thing before I forget, right when the man is telling Peter his story, Peter says Thomas looked nice. The name 'Thomas' hasn't been introduced yet and I had no idea who you were talking about for a minute.

I liked your characters so much that I would like to see more of them. I'd like to know what they look like and maybe see some more mannerisms to make them truly individuals. One way to do this is dropping adverbs. I noticed quite a few and they happen to be "telling" words rather than "showing" words. Once again, I don't know if you had a word limit, but I'd like to see you give a little bit more meat to your characters.