%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4170535 |
| Hello Merelda! I found a small portion of your story listed as an excerpt in the WDC newsletter Filling the Knowledge box: http://www.writing.com/main/em/box//msg/5942. I will give you my honest opinion and hope you find this feedback useful.  Overall Impression: A very nice first chapter for an epic fantasy. Plot: Small child with mystery skills dispatches intruders after they have killed her mother and servants. Style and Voice: 1st-person POV Scene/Setting: Child hides in her hidden bedroom which intruders discover. Characters: Small child is main character but is un-named, several armed men are the intruders Dialogue: Little. Most of story is narrative by MC. Only a small portion is dialogue MC has with some of the intruders. Grammar and Mechanics: Grammar looks good. The Mechanics, well, there is so much information and action within this piece, it is almost overwhelming. The first paragraph was good in hooking the reader. The second paragraph is a back history infodump. Rest of the paragraphs relay the ensuing battle. The ending of this chapter was good for leading into the next chapter - how did Walos become such a good friend. Suggestions: Shorten some of the actions descriptions so as not to overwhelm the reader.You have a budding talent. Keep writing! Thank you for sharing your story. Write On! GaelicQueen  ** Image ID #1940845 Unavailable **
|
|||
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
You responded to this review 10/29/2015 @ 12:45pm EDT