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 Review #4170521 |
| Hello, Browneyes! I found your story, The Gypsy, on the link for Read and Review. I will give you my honest opinion and hope you find this feedback useful.  Overall Impression: An intriguing story of a traveler being cursed by a gypsy upon an accidental bump at the airport. Plot: A traveler accidentally collides into an elderly woman at the airport. She doesn't accept the traveler's apology and leaves him with a muttered curse. Style and Voice: Written in 1st-person, narrative, journal style. Scene/Setting: Early morning at the airport in Virginia Characters: Gary Huffman (main character), Old gyspy woman, Dialogue: None. Grammar and Mechanics: This piece impresses me as a first draft of a WIP. I won't point out all the mistakes. Reading the piece aloud, the mistakes will jump out. The descriptions of what Gary is seeing and experiencing are good. I would want to read this story when it is published as a novella or novel. Suggestions: Shorten some of the sentences. Sometimes too much detail slows the pace. Example: As it happened the case maybe, after arriving at the airport, where I am now, I exited a cab in a hurry, and when I did, and I accidentally collided into her. Well, needless to say, She was understandably upset at me. I did try tried to apologize, but she was having nothing to do with it. Instead, with glaring rage she glared at me, then mumbled, may you be cursed. And may that curse bring forth an element of nature formed by your very own thoughts. One that will plague you until you have taken your last breath. So think wisely heathen, for your days are indeed few in number. She then, with a hand, made a sign with her hand in my direction and promptly left. You have talent. Again, this piece struck me as a draft WIP. These are only my suggestions. Thank you for sharing your story. Write On! GaelicQueen  ** Image ID #1940845 Unavailable **
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You responded to this review 10/29/2015 @ 6:59pm EDT