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 Review #4163574 |
| Hi, Workspark. Nixie, here. Welcome to WDC from  "Newbie Welcome Wagon"  ! Overall Impression Truth be told, I wasn't planning on writing a review until I saw your note in the brief description. A few thoughts This work needs a lot of editing, and maybe you'll see this for yourself as you wander around the site and read what others have written. I'm not here to tear down your work because I think you honestly are trying here. Something very easy to fix is the spacing between words. Great job with paragraphing, though. What will make the difference here is to make this more realistic, and to tighten up the first paragraph. I can't write this for you, but it might be something like I was walking out of school on Friday, caught in the crowd of students rushing for the gate. "Hey, dude. Wait for me." I turned and noticed a kid who looked like he was in the fifth grade. Now, here, I would insert a causal remark, or returned greeting. "Hey, dude. Do I know you?" Because why would the kid assume the other kid had a problem when they'd never met before? Try working on keeping the verb tenses consistent. Lasting Impression I think you're very earnest in trying to get a story across, and you just need a little practice. When the story ends, you could drop the last sentence. The reader knows the day was interesting, to say the least! Keep on writing. You'll only get better at it.    My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 10/05/2015 @ 8:47pm EDT