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 Review #4163134 |
 | Nanoprep Contest Round 1  [E] Written for the round 1 contest of the 2015 Nanoprep  |
| (4.5)| Hi there. Nixie, here. Welcome to WDC from  "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! Overall Impression It was only in retrospect that the description of Simon's father in the first paragraph made sense. Because the action was hot, I wasn't overly interested in what the dad was looking through. I wanted to know what he was looking for. My eyes skipped over the word 'farming' as inconsequential to the plot. My mistake. The dad's dirt and sweat would have been in context had I slowed down. A few thoughts You did a good job of capturing a teenager's anger. The outburst at the conclusion was very effective. I had already decided the dad wasn't a great guy, so I felt vindicated when Simon confronted him. The black box remains a mystery. Since the genre is scifi, the implications are tantalizing. Sion's a bit of a contradiction, which is good. The farm setting generally suggests calmness and ease. A type of wholesome living. As it turned out, Simon didn't want any part of that, but yet, he was angry for being denied the opportunity. And how could his parents not tell him? I think you're building an excellent character here. Some considerations. I only ask questions when an author's work affects me in some way. So, what follows is good news. You don't need to repeat door in this sentence. The door burst open and Henry walked through the door It's easy to slip up and be repetitive. A thesaurus helps me. His parents looked at him and exchanged looks before looking back at Simon. I stumbled over this fragment the mother of Simon and Henry’s wife, standing there, I know you have to identify her, but you might be able to accomplish this through dialogue. "Mom!" Simon said. "Sweetheart," Henry said. Something like that, rather than telling the reader. Lasting Impression What would you think of ending the story without 'never to return again'? Why? Because it takes us out of the immediate moment we've been experiencing. The story was told through Simon's eyes, and he can't see the future. I think most readers will draw the assumption that Simon will never return. Without stating that, you leave a question in the reader's mind, creating intrigue. If character identification occurred, then readers will keep wondering long after they've finished the story. Sorry, I didn't mean to go on and on like that. It's totally your choice. Keep writing!   My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 10/05/2015 @ 2:24am EDT