~MorningStorm~,

I'm reviewing your first chapter because you're having an anniversary at WdC.

Recommendations:

It's not until the 6th paragraph that we learn the narrators name and that she is female. Normally, a writer should introduce the name of the character early so that the reader can identify with him/her.

The story flows, but the way you have written this so far, is more like an essay. As the reader I feel like I am at Evelyn's house sitting with her while she tells me her life story.

With only a few exceptions, I, as the reader, cannot experience what Evelyn is seeing, feeling, smelling,tasting, or hearing. This is the difference between telling and showing.

There were a few rough passages that required rereading. I suggest that you read your story out loud. If you stumble over a sentence or phrase, so will the reader and that passage needs to be re written. By the way, reading the story silently will not work. You have to read it aloud.

All of these recommendations are ones that more experienced writers than myself have offered me, and have made my writing better. It is hard to hear criticism, even when it's constructive, but you have to remember that if the reviewer didn't care, they wouldn't have taken the time to try to help.

Keep writing and editing, and editing, and editing once again.


Puma
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .