Greetings, The Run-on King PDG Member }! Thank you for bidding on my Mystery Package in "Genre Auction and Fundraiser" . This review will conclude this package and then on to the Horror Package you have bid on!

Please note that my reviews are not intended to be hurtful in any way. I am here to help you improve your writing in the best way I know how. My opinion, however, may not be something you always agree with. It's important to make your story your own. Use what you feel is helpful and leave what you disagree with.

Paragraph 1 - Out in our vast universe hides a planet/moon/planetoid? I'm really unsure about this first sentence. I understand why you wrote it this way, but I'm wonder if perhaps you could write it in a way that it isn't represented with a question mark, signifying it is a question, when it is not. Hmm... Maybe eliminating the question mark out would help, as you do explain in the following sentence why you call it a planet/moon/planetoid.

Also later in the paragraph... He had been looking for a large moon to send a mining group to for some needed metal ores high in titanium. It was quite by accident he even found it. This is a wee bit wordy. I think you could condense for better flow. Something like...He'd been searching for a large moon to send a mining group... one with metal ores high in titanium. It was quite by accident he even found it.

Paragraph 4 - George had just got off a conference call from the university that had been paying for this over-sized space platform as they referred to his home. George slammed down his hand on the desktop and glared at Authur. After that last call George could not have a good day and now this, what was he to do? Try to avoid using the word just if possible, unless in dialogue, or very little. Again, you could possibly tighten this up by using less words. Here is one example: George slammed down his hand on the desktop and glared at Authur. He'd finished up a conference call from the university that paid for this over-sized space platform referred to as home and was obviously not having a good day because of it. And now this.

I noticed you begin many of your paragraphs with dialogue tags - George said, Authur said and so on. You might consider varying that a bit. Here's an example: Authur said, “George, I have been trying to tell you this all day. I found it. I have been watching and tracking it, ever since I discovered it.” Try this: “George," Authur began," I have been trying to tell you this all day, I found it. I have been watching and tracking it, ever since I discovered it.”

In Paragraph 17...Authur found George, was always true to his word. He now found himself aboard the United Planetary Nations Peace Keeper Jerome. This ship is so big that people get lost in it for days. You do not need that comma after "George" as there is no pause there. Also, you've changed tenses in the third sentence. Authur found George was always true to his word. He now found himself aboard the United Planetary Nations Peace Keeper Jerome. This ship was so big that people got lost in it for days. Another thought here...perhaps instead of "people got lost" you might consider something like...people were known to get lost in it." Or whatever.

Paragraph 18 - He thought about how he had gotten here. You might want to avoid using "got" or "gotten" too much, other than in dialogue, depending. Here is an example: He thought about how he had arrived here.

Paragraph 21 - You'll need to add some punctuation in this paragraph: Authur couldn’t resist he stood up bowed and said, “I’m here General just waiting for the meeting to start.” Example: Authur couldn’t resist. He stood up, bowed, and said, “I’m here, General, just waiting for the meeting to start.”

Paragraph 24 - The General spoke, “I hope for your sake those aren’t your girl friends measurements” First of all, a period would work better after the word "spoke." And girlfriends is one word. You'll also want to add an apostrophe to it, as it's possessive. And add a period at the end of your sentence. The General spoke. “I hope for your sake those aren’t your girlfriend's measurements.”

I won't keep bringing up the same typos and suggestions, as I'm sure you are now aware of what you need to do. Be sure to read through to the end, because there are areas that still need punctuation, punctuation changes, tense changes, tightening up by eliminating unnecessary words, and replacing words such as "got."

I always read my stories out loud. It's amazing what you can catch when you're listening to it as you read it. Also, have someone read it to you.

Your story itself is interesting and you tell it pretty well. I think once you get the kinks out, it will flow even better.

Favorite lines...

“General Hanson, I would like to volunteer to try and get a sample of the surface.”
[This is just one example of great dialogue. You didn't use a tag, either, because it was unnecessary. )

Have a great day and...
K e e p on W r i t i n g !

Cubby ")


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .