Greetings, goldenautumn! Thank you for bidding on my Romance Package in "Genre Auction and Fundraiser" .

This was good! No...very good! At first I wasn't sure if I would take to it or not, but the further I read, the more I found myself curious as to what would happen next.

Please don't be horrified with my list of suggestions you're about to read. They are mostly picky little things that I felt you'd want to be aware of and consider changing. My reviews are never meant to be hurtful in any way, but encouraging and helpful. Use what you feel works and leave behind the rest.

Just a note about my examples: I have written them mostly in italics, only to show they are an example. I do not mean for the italics to be written as such, in your story. There are, however, a few suggestions where I did recommend italics. I think, as you read through, you will be clear on what I'm talking about.

In Paragraph 1, you may want to consider rewording: Glancing up, she saw the minister, feeling an ache in the back of her throat. to She felt an ache at the back of her throat after glancing up to see the minister.

In the 2nd paragraph, I think you forgot the end-dashes after the word Dicentra: A native flower--heart-shaped pink Dicentra caught her eye. --> A native flower--heart-shaped pink Dicentra-- caught her eye. Or perhaps commas might work better? A native flower, the heart-shaped pink Dicentra, caught her eye.

In the 5th paragraph, his man with tall with dark brown hair, I believe the first "with" was meant to be was. Also in this paragraph: He never saw her before the ceremony. If you mean they'd never met, perhaps something similar to...He'd never met her before the ceremony.

In Paragraph 12 - He turned it on her hand while it glistened. So far, your words are flowing so nicely! I wondered about this sentence though. Did he turn it around or did he wiggle it or perhaps just slipped it on...? I wasn't sure, but thought it was worth mentioning.

In the 13th paragraph, it's just a punctuation suggestion: Let me be the first, Catherine of Dreystone is my queen and wife." I would replace the comma with a semi-colon or [...]Let me be the first... Catherine of Dreystone is my queen and wife."

Paragraph 14 - She pondered what kind of marriage ceremony is this? Are there any vows? You might consider...She pondered what kind of marriage ceremony this was? Were there any vows? (Unless you would prefer..)What kind of marriage ceremony is this? she pondered. Are there no vows?

In the 23rd paragraph, I will suggest the same as the above. Put her thoughts in italics or else change it to past tense. She wondered what kind of coronation ceremony is this? Where is my vow as a queen to protect and serve the country? Is the king magical or a warlock? I've never felt anything quite like this. She wondered what kind of coronation ceremony this was. Where is my vow as a queen to protect and serve the country? Is the king magical or a warlock? I've never felt anything quite like this.

Paragraph 33 - One of them picked up Misty the king's cat with a boyish grin. The cat's legs dangled in the air. I'm not sure, as this might pertain to something later, but otherwise you might consider shortening it. I know you are going after a visual, but it just feels a bit, perhaps unnecessary to mention? I can't put my finger on it.

Paragraph 39 - Catherine ate, feeling an immense weight wash off of her. Why did she feel the urge to hide? I felt this was a little confusing with the feel of weight washing off her and yet she felt the urge to hide.

Paragraph 47 - "Thank you for your concern." She said stiffly. --> "Thank you for your concern," she said stiffly.

In the 85th paragraph, King Stephen cupped his hand over his mouth. To me, this doesn't quite fit his character. It's hard to picture.

In Paragraph 114 - The jewel and centerpiece in the center of a miniature garden, Perhaps using the word center is repetitious. Try (if you choose to change this) something like... The jewel and centerpiece in the heart of a miniature garden, or something like that.

In Paragraph 118 - A furnace of blazing heart swept through her like an oven Did you mean heat instead of heart?

Oh, I love how you left me hanging at the very end! Excellent! I must admit, when I first noticed how long this first chapter was, I was a little intimidated, as I seldom review longer pieces, but it's been a pleasure to read. Your words flow very nicely and it is obvious you know a few things about royalty and the characteristics that go along with it. I found myself becoming attached to the story. I was not bored in the least.

I applaud your spelling skills along with punctuation, grammar, dialogue, and overall "look" to your piece. And I'm thankful you aren't one who runs on and on in a paragraph. I get easily lost and bored with long paragraphs.

I hope you are not offended by my suggestions. They might seem a bit picky but I wanted to be sure to do my part in the package you have bid on. I'm confident you are working towards publication, so you will at least consider my comments. I'd also like to recommend others read through this, as not all reviewers pick up on the same things.

Excellent! I enjoyed this very much and look forward to the next two chapters.

Favorite lines...

Furrowing his brow, the king's mouth formed a grim line. Turning the wine goblet in his fingers, he examined it. "I nearly sent out a search party for you. You must forgive my inquiries for your welfare. Did you ride in the carriage? I have heard otherwise. Are you well?"
[This was only one of many I could've chosen. What a great visual!]

Have a great day and...
K e e p on W r i t i n g !

Cubby ")


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .