Greetings, The Run-on King PDG Member ! Thank you for bidding on my Horror Package B in "Genre Auction and Fundraiser" .

A-ha! Great ending! (or should I say beginning.) Nice work.

I do have a few suggestions, mostly technical. Use what you feel fits and leave the rest behind. I try to be helpful and encouraging while reviewing. In no way, shape or form do my reviews intend to be hurtful!

The word very is a very easy word to over-use. I spotted three in your first paragraph. Here is one option for the following sentence:

Up ahead appeared a very dark cloud over the next stop.
[Think about dark and very dark...It would be like black and very black. there isn't really a difference so "very" is not needed.]

Up ahead, a dark cloud hovered over our next stop.

In the 2nd paragraph, something just didn't feel right or for that matter look right about that town. I began throttling down and venting excess pressure through the whistle letting them know you'll need to add some punctuation for pause. There are also a few other areas throughout your piece you'll also want to add punctuation for pause. I would suggest to read this out loud and when you feel a pause, insert some sort of punctuation. Here is one option for this particular section above:

something just didn't feel right(,) or for that matter(,) look right about that town. I began throttling down and venting excess pressure through the whistle(,) letting them know

In the 4th paragraph, there are several areas that need a bit of tweaking. (I'll skip the pauses, as we've already covered that one.) Twice you wrote: There was none and you will want to replace "was" with were because you were writing about more than one thing. Also, What open up to my... add an -ed to open.

In your 6th paragraph, (yes, look for those pauses! ), you have written twice: I saw. If possible, try to replace at least one of them with a more active verb. One example is: when I saw noticed ahead

There were many things I liked about this! For one, great descriptions- The boiler was singing to me; boiler purring; fired up the train; slammed it into high; stopped feeding the fire; a great head of steam You obviously know a bit about running a train. I also noticed you spelled out one-digit numbers... Perfect! It took me awhile to learn that suggested rule about spelling out one-digits but yet it was fine to use numbers for two-digits and over. So kudos to you for that! I also liked the names Johnston Gulch and Old Boar's Tusk. Excellent!

Mainly, you need to work on adding punctuation to pauses. Other than that, just a few minor things. Good job!

Favorite line...

The boiler was singing to me as the train moved along on its tracks.

Have a great day and...
K e e p on W r i t i n g !

Cubby ")


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .