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 Review #4047694 |
| Hello Escape Artist  , my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! I found your name on the board at Showering Acts of Joy and this part of your shower from SAJ.This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.  What Drew Me In: I saw this item reviewed on the board at SAJ and the name appealed to me. It has echoes of Shakespeare's famous 'All the world's a stage' metaphor, if life was a tapestry, and events were threads ....? I have read a chapter in another novel of yours and found the writing compelling, riveting, gut-wrenching. I had to see where you took this one. The General Impression: A fitting prologue that just introduces us to the fantasy. One of the main characters is highlighted, an unexpected possible protagonist. With his young age and lowly status one presumes he will rise in importance in the saga. Pleasurable anticipation will ensure continuing this read. There is a contrast of worlds between the expected and the encountered - aquatic, alternative advanced science coupled with ancient dress forms and adornment. I thought of Atlantis, but this could go anywhere! The Things That Worked For Me: Some description in there that was vivid and took me into the experience. I have never been 'at sea' (literally anyway -  ) but I could imagine myself there! Thanks for the voyage! I would especially like to highlight this sentence: "The wind rushed--its intensity fluctuating, infused with the splatter of rain drops, punctuated by the cry of sea birds." Oh, yes, there was another bit that is worth lauding:"the waves grew choppy, forming oddly pyramidal crests as if the winds were coming from all directions." That 'pyramidal' took the image from two to three dimensions! But, the word 'oddly' diluted its impact by unnecessary qualification of the adjective. Adverbs have a way of doing that!The transition from the known world to the unknown is well done and we hover at the brink of finding our the alternative universe, about to enter the portal. The antics of an ant, the instinctive turning away from what draws the curiosity and interested exploration of the human, was another deft touch. It is that very reckless drive to find answers that has helped this species to evolve at breakneck speed from mid-posed link in food-chain to domination. The end of the chapter is perfect. It resolved a part of the conflict shown in this segment and yet left one hanging. A surefire draw to turn to the next chapter. I remember reading an entire set of stories written about native Americans because of this kind of deft ending. Well done!  I am also happy to read fantasy any day, stories are anyway a means to go on imaginary journeys, what fun to go into unexplored realms, whilst still cocooned in the safety of one's armchair! Thanks for that opportunity! The Things That Made Me Stop and Think: Was the captain necessary in the tale at all? Maybe he comes into it later? I thought that he had too much prominence here, since he is the only other character shown, but has not much part to play. Yet his interactions with Mikhail early on, the exchange of glances, the shared perception of danger suggest his importance.There is a good use of senses here, visual and auditory perception, as well as heat/cold/touch. How about adding in smell and/or taste as well to increase the impact? One thing that puzzled me was the 'resilient wall of air' - the sensation of leaning against that cannot be likened to 'leaning against a window', it would have to be a rigid wall of air for that! Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:" Sixteen year-old cook's mate Mikhail Ivanov held hard to the railing, keeping his back to the wind raged sea. Midway to the stern, where the captain stood at the tiller, his teeth clinched, his body one with his ship, the waves grew choppy, forming oddly pyramidal crests as if the winds were coming from all directions. He squinted into a thickening fog," Beginnings ought to be stutter-free, if there is a pause to figure something out early on, the reader might just choose to back off. Other than what I assume was an unintentional typo - 'clinched' for 'clenched' - either of the two characters introduced there could be doing the squinting. Since we learn later it was Mikhail, it might be simpler to just say, 'The captain stood at the tiller, teeth clenched, his body ...', and then go on, Mikhail turned back to squint at the thickening fog.' "Mikhail struggled up from an unconscious stupor until his eyes fluttered open" I thought stupor sufficed to describe his state, nearly unconscious, but just on the edge of recovery. The qualification of that with 'unconscious', is tautology! It comes right after a bit of superb description and suggests an exhaustion with that effort! Please don't dilute that exemplary imagery with repetitive words. "The sinew in the man’s arms stood out like braided rope" Sinews, I think? "Mikhail likened him to an Aztec King lauding over the prostrate body of an obedient acolyte" Laud: 'to praise, applaud, acclaim'. I wonder if you mean 'lord'? Although even that does not sit well? I also felt the first part of the sentence was unnecessary, since all of this from Mikhail's POV. Some bits of description are so vivid that bits like this stand out for confusing complexity. I'd have preferred something simpler - 'Like a seasoned warrior chieftain, radiating surety of dominance with each stride.' But it's your tale, and you must decide how you wish to present the details. Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.  May your words go on to shine!  Effort brings colour to Life ** Image ID #1939250 Unavailable **  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 10/14/2014 @ 7:59pm EDT