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 Review #4047678 |
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| (3.5)| Hello tYpO/T.Boilerman  , my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! I found your name on the board at Showering Acts of Joy and this part of your shower from SAJ.This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.  What Drew Me In: I liked the unusual handle - Steampunk gives me an idea of your favourite genre, the Bat is seasonal, I presume? The wannabe part made the whole quirky and fun, and I wanted to see the writer who had this inspiration. I did not choose one of the Steampunk tales to review because I might not have useful input, being a novice to even reading it, whereas you are expert in writing it. In fact, till recently I didn't know what Steampunk was! So, I chose this tale that promised me an anecdote with observational humour or philosophy. The General Impression: It relates an incident that happened in the author's past, part of naval service. It resides in a folder that is yet to fill up, but is clearly designated for more such experience narrations. The time period is vague, 'early days in the US Navy', that could be around 20-25 years ago. A short and simple tale that demonstrates Murphy's maxim: "If something can go wrong, it will!" The Things That Worked For Me: I think we all have many anecdotes that can enrich another's life when related - vicarious living! Travel without moving from one's chair! So kudos for planning to share yours, all the more so because you have a special kind of experience to share!  It has a gentle humour within, nothing slapstick about the goof-up, although you could have made it so, had you wished. The way colourful swearing is highlighted by using the dainty 'Oh, my!' in its place and then blandly stating that the actual terms used were different - superb! My imagination did the rest - I went the way of Captain Haddock but each reader is free to imagine his own version. Sometimes less is so much more!  The Things That Made Me Stop and Think: This is classified as a monologue, rather than a short story. When short stories can be as short at 55 words, was there a particular reason for classifying this as monologue? I expected some dramatic declamation, or philosophical musing like Hamlet's famous peroration. Yes, narration is technically still a monologue, but the common expectation is for the thoughts of a person spoken out loud. If there was no word constraint, I would like more depth of setting. You do well to explain things to the reader, since many of them would be landlubbers who would find themselves adrift without such help. But, showing is always more effective than telling. I know, that's been said and repeated until it's ho-hum advice! But one would do well do consider it that THE tenet for any writing. Just think, what do you want to do for your reader? Just give them a fleeting glance at a bewildering and different world? Or, would you like them to walk back into your past with you, while you point out this incident as part of that unique whole, allowing them to see it in vivid clarity and appreciated its matured aged richness with you? A tequila shot or a classic wine showcased and presented for inspection of colour, inhalation of bouquet, to be sipped and enjoyed? Remember there's no wrong choice here, there are aficionados of both! Another thing to consider is how true you want the tale to be? Stick to the events as they occurred or embellish? You decide what you want. I often caricature past experience by taking characters from featureless bland normality to enjoyable quirkiness, just by exaggerating a trait or two. I also add in all the retorts that I thought of two hours too late. It makes the tale more fun and harms no one, since all my writing is termed fiction! Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:"I remember it like it was yesterday." & "I think we were in Venice, Italy." These are the opening lines of the first and second paragraphs respectively. Seen thus, would you say the second seemed to contradict the categorical assertion of the first? Certainly the hesitant placing of the incident in Venice belies an ability to recollect it vividly. "we were moored to some buoys on the main thoroughfare through town. We hear eight bells being struck and this admiral's title--Arriving" I'm no expert, so if you are satisfied with the way you wrote it, fine. But, the tense seems to shift in there - 'we were moored' but 'we hear'? "The admiral took it in good stride and nobody really got into trouble because it was an accident." Hmm ... it might have been an accident, but it could easily happen again and with more serious results. The accident needs to be analysed and the mistakes identified, preventive measures initiated. I'd expect the organisation to find that solution. How would it be if ended ... 'and that's how ____ became a necessary fixture/equipment/protocol.' It's your story, and I am only pointing out that more resolution is needed to wrap up the tale so that it satiates rather just prove an appetizer. Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.  May your words go on to shine!  Effort brings colour to Life ** Image ID #1939250 Unavailable **  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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