OVERALL SENSE: I’ve never been in an accident and I hope I never will. Reading this story, getting into the mind of Heather, made me wonder how I would react. Would my thoughts be vain, thinking of my looks, or would it be more deeply religious? The way you showed Heather bleeding profusely, and knowing that a human has only six quarts, I did a lot of worrying about her condition. Is she going to die or not?

I also wondered about the other victim in the car crash – Is she alright, can she come and help Heather? Later on, I found my answer. When Heather heard a baby cry, my heart broke. I thought, oh no, not a little one in the other car.

I have to say, I went through a lot of emotions when reading this story. Your character wasn’t that likeable at first, but I still didn’t want anything to happen to her.

         TITLE APPEAL: “The Redemption of Heather” is quite a title for this piece. I wasn’t sure what I was in for, but when I started, I couldn’t stop.

         STYLE/VOICE: The style is experience, emotional, and inspirational.

The voice stays strong as Heather begins to discover what all is wrong with her. It took some guts to look at herself in the mirror, but being vain, she freaked out. Having a vain boyfriend didn’t help either, who’s someone who just looks for someone beautiful.

         TONE/MOOD: The tone of this story is frightening, apprehensive, and grim. Trying to come to terms with what just happened, Heather doesn’t realize, at first, what happened to her. When she does remember, the pain soon follows.

The mood is somber, confining, and nightmarish. After checking herself out, Heather realizes she will never be the same beautiful woman she once was. She goes through this mental process that changes her outlook on life.

         SCENE/SETTING: The scene and setting begins at the head-on impact where these two woman realize they are going to crash. Startled faces looking at each other, then the impact ... Heather remembers little by little.

         CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT: Heather – I really got to know her in this short story as she goes through her ordeal of remembering. May I say, you did a good job of showing her as a spoiled brat at first, but at the end, it made me root for her all the more.

Personality: Heather is quite a character, there were so many sides to her — feeling sorry for herself side, the angry one ... cursing everyone that comes to mind on not making her stronger, and when she realizes there’s another human being involved in this crash, the softer side of her begins to show.

Motivation: At first, Heather just wants to die. Who’s going to like her with a smashed up face? Later, when she hears that baby cry, she did everything possible to reach out to her, making sure she was alright.

         PLOT: You led me through the sequence of events that happened. It is easy to understand the trauma Heather is going through. Her thoughts showed the what and why Heather does what she does, but just one sound changes Heathers whole outlook on her life, and she finally realizes she wants to live.

Structure: The crash, the flashbacks, the thoughts that Heather had, and great descriptions all help carry this story along to its conclusion.
Head-on collisions are the worse, and Heather knows she will be in for a world of pain and doubt.

Development: All these events that happened before, during, and after the collision is transparent. You showed Heather’s temperament very well. Just by the descriptions on what happened to her, you know it’s going is going to be difficult for her. Then you begin to wonder — Will the family be supportive? How is her fiancé going to take this, will he stay and help, time only will tell?

GRAMMAR/SPELLING/SENTENCE STRUCTURE: I didn’t see any errors.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT: NONE

         LIKES: I liked how you showed the slow development of Heather as she goes through these mental thoughts on what is to become of her. You might say she did some growing up during the time she waited for the ambulance to show up.

         DISLIKES: NONE

FAVORITE LINE(S): I did have some favorite lines that I would like to highlight. I'll explain why I like them and how they added to the story.

          QUOTE HERE: The pain hit her. She recalled the sonic echo of the collision. She shrieked at the realization of what happened.
The mini-van had hit her Plymouth head-on. The last image she remembered before the collision contained a middle-aged blonde woman, her mouth and eyes flying open in silent horror behind a rain-streaked windshield, wiper-blades waving back and forth as if warning of the impending impact.

          My Comment: Don’t you ever read a story, and you just want to stop right there and don’t want to read on knowing it will not be a good outcome. I could already feel the pain when these two cars hit, I pictured it in my mind. Then those descriptions made clearer through Heather’s thoughts. Great way to make your reader to become part of it.

The radio and the horn, you made quite a comparison there! To think Heather thought it sounded good together, hmmmm. Pain can do strange things to people’s taste.

JUST MY PERSONAL OPINION: I loved how you wrote this, Patrick. You put me through all those emotions and by the time I finished reader, I felt wrung out through one of those old-time wringers. I love that finale though. Thank you for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece.



Take care now, keep on writing, I’ll keep on reading,
Jeannie🌺




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .