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 Review #4026844 |
 Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon"  !  Overall Impression According to your brief description, the girl in this piece defined that elusive and obscure emotion we call love. The word 'atom' in the first line drew my attention. It gave me the feeling that the topic would be elemental, organic. Beyond the realm of what we perceive. The thousand stars carried that thought through into the next line. The stanzas beginning with "You came" were beautiful and poetic, nothing was repetitive, each line explored another facet of what the girl received from her love. "Let me live—" was the line that had the greatest impact on me. My impression was that of living more than life, or consecutive lives, always grounded by the man's presence. Love eternal sounds trite, and you found another way to express this thought in your unique manner. On the flip side, I wanted to give this girl some advice on co-dependency. It bothered me that she thinks of him as her creator. People need to be complete unto themselves before they can truly love another. But that's only my rational way of thinking. Many believe in the concept of soul mates, the longing for that special person to complete them. Thoughts  Multiple exclamation marks are not considered the standard. It's up to you, but one question mark at the end of the sentence suffices."burying myself on to your chest" sounded awkward me. The preposition [onto] makes more sense.  Although lazy words like [just] are acceptable in dialogue, I would suggest deleting it from the last sentence. The word carries no meaning, and that's a long and wordy sentence.I look for symmetry in works like this. The length of the two lines threw off the pattern, but because there are two long lines, I'm guessing this was your pattern, one you desired.  In the last stanza, second line, the word 'enjoined' puzzled me. I think the word harmony speaks for itself. Are you using the sky and ocean as the authority or a direct order? Do you think conjoined works better? I like the sentence without either word before harmony. But I'm no poet. If the word serves your purposes, then ignore this paragraph. Pieces like this are considered subjectively, and the author has the final say. Wrapping it up While the title doesn't smack of originality, it does explain the piece. With so many beautiful words at your command, is there another title you can think of to match the scope of this work? Please remember my thoughts are my own for you to ignore or explore. The emphasis of this review is to welcome and encourage you. This piece shows the potential of your skills. Your mind thinks in poetic terms, and this work serves as a testament. Enjoy your time here and keep writing!  ~Nixie  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 08/14/2014 @ 2:19pm EDT