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 Review #4025791 |
 Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon"  ! Thanks for requesting a review! My review comes from a place of respect for your work and for the effort expended putting this piece together.  Overall Impression The unique topic of this story (hockey)drew my interest because the sport is not part of my world and I wanted to learn more. The sport served as the setting for your characters to act upon. Plot/Setting/Characters What should a story accomplish? Usually, the reader is looking for a conflict (and that was very present) and some sort of character growth or resolution. Looking at the story from this point of view has me asking what was the story's purpose? To me, the story was about team members backing up a girl in a guy's world. The culmination was Jonte beating up Perry, making this the resolution. It's almost as if the story was written for that purpose. I wanted something more for your characters. I saw one hockey game and was shocked by the violence. I learned this is an expected part of the sport, and your story was authentic in that regard. A major issue with this work is something called 'head hopping.' Stories written through a single POV are generally easier to read. Using this POV also allows the reader to identify with the character. We see the world through their eyes. I noticed you separated the POV switch with asterisks, so the reader was aware of the switch. I see how this story sort of needed head hopping, but it wasn't always clear whose head I was in. Consider finding a way to work in the character's name, rather than just saying "I— When my daughter was hospitalized, the entire woman's pro basketball team stopped by for a visit, as a morale booster. I'm assuming this is what you're trying to portray, but I suggest adding a line or two so other readers will understand why Nicky and Jessica went to the hospital. The scene transition is rough, and adding in a child with cancer didn't advance the plot in a meaningful way. If this is an important scene to you, then pump it up for the reader. Make them care about this young boy, rather than just throw him into the story. Nothing belongs in a story that doesn't advance the plot, so what was the purpose of this scene? It felt out of place and unnecessary to me. There was an upside to this part. I liked the way you showed the power of hugging and the inscription Nicky wrote on the poster. Because you wrote with such authenticity, I wondered if the hockey players were real people, whose names I should recognize. In the opening paragraph, the story begins in the past tense and then switches to present. I suggest you keep the verb tense consistent. Fine tuning Sprinkled throughout, I found several errors. However, this review already feels too heavy, and I don't want to discourage you, especially because you're a newbie, and without newbies, WdC would not be the fascinating melting pot it is. Everyone here is a valued member.  Parting thoughts If you like the 'head hopping' POV's, I suggest first clarifying who's talking, before addressing some of the finer points. Underneath the confusion, the overall sensation is one of love and compassion. I liked the simplicity of a hug being enough to lift a person's spirit. That's the part I related to. This is an ambitious story, the telling of a woman in a man's world, and those who protect her. Great conflict! I hope you return to edit this, and if you do, please email me if you would like me to look at your work again. Keep on writing. That's the key to improving our skills.   ~Nixie  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You last responded to this review 08/12/2014 @ 1:15am EDT