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 Review #4024065 |
In Dreams  [E] Art. length romance thingy. need constructive criticism, especially to improve dialogue.  |
| (4.0)| ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **  Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! There's a bit of confusion: when did she know Jose before? was the dream a foreboding of what was to happen that morning? When Danny introduced Jose, was that later, the first moment she knew he would be on her job? A good story 'ties up lose ends"...and my question indicate some 'loose ends' to the story. I like Kristen and how she was willing to fit herself to the job by her personal style and 'stayed in character on the job'. This is a good beginning for a longer love story. this sentence:"Kristin found his penetrating eyes somewhat disconcerting." doesn't read smoothly: perhaps say "To Kristin, his penetrating eyes were somewhat disconcerting." The sentence starting " Kristin could feel the color" is far too long, to many as's, and needs to be changed to perhaps three sentences to be less awkward and more understandible to your reader. this sentence: "Kristin’s eyes pop open", another first line in a paragraph, needs past tense for 'popped' to fit the rest of the scene. #
 My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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