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 Review #4015920 |
 Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! Good day to you, Lady Fink-Nottle. It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance through your delightful little horror confection. On a personal level, I found this compelling, holding my attention from start to finish, but that isn't how I review. This is purely about your story, not what my internal filters did to it. Let's get started, shall we? CONCEPT:  The plot underpinning of someone walking into a meeting that isn't what he thought it was is as old as literature. The test is in what you did with it, and placing it into a religious gathering that goes south is an excellent use of this often-used device. You gave it a fresh feel with your sinister automatons "inviting" Kiernan to join their ranks.MECHANICS: This is spelling and grammar, all the things you should catch in a good edit. I found two tiny errors in these sentences: The figure slowly removed its hood, all the while flickering back and forth with the flames movement. Flame's is possessive, and should have the apostrophe. See also Everything above their mouth was now metal, screwed together and glinting in the candlelight. There are several of them, so this should read "Everything above their mouths was now..." This isn't much to find in a work of this length, and I mention it at all only so that you will have to opportunity to correct it.Let me also offer a suggestion for your future use involving the name of your protagonist. In a story this short, it isn't an issue, but I see you are writing a novel, and you'll probably write more, so tuck this away for consideration: Keep the name of your protagonist simple. Kiernan doesn't roll smoothly off the tongue. The r-n combination makes it just the least bit awkward, and might become grating in a longer work. Also, don't be afraid to use common names for your heroic characters. No reader objects to finding himself sharing his name with the hero of the book he's reading. Conversely, names of villains should be uncommon. No one, especially younger readers, wants to hear themselves described as an ogre for 350 pages. You can't exclude everyone, but there are a lot less Malificents than there are Janes... EXECUTION: Magnificently handled. You set forth what was on the face of it a simple religious gathering, and without giving away any possible outcomes, maintained a dark, brooding background that foreshadowed disaster even though there was no overt suggestion of it in the text. This is no mean trick, and while this is only a small, individual scene, it raises the promise of skills beyond the ordinary underpinning your stories, and makes me want to investigate further. While I don't have the reading time I might like, I will definitely be setting some of it aside to visit your novel chapters and delve into what have to offer. But I warn you: With this piece, you have set a very high bar for yourself. I'm a fan, though; I sincerely hope the rest of your work is as good as this!  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 07/15/2014 @ 5:01pm EDT