Hello Quadrivium

My Thoughts: This is an interesting beginning to a much longer story. There are a lot of questions I have about the story, but those could be answered throughout the following parts of the story.

My Favorite Part: My favorite part is how this underage boy seems to have the situation all figured out for himself. There seems to be missing information about how he did set up the situation, but that, too, could be handled later in the story.

My Suggestions: There are quite a few nits in this piece. There seems to be confusion about how to handle quoted text with where the commas go and the possible need of different paragraphs when the speaker changes. There seems to be confusion on when to use an apostrophe with an s to show possession and when to make the word plural. There is an accept, when it should be except. There is a lowercase I that should be capitalized. I believe upstairs is one word. Sweet should be sweat. There efforts should be their efforts. Shes should be she's. Please take a look at the comma situation. Think about a comma as a break in the sentence, as if to take a pause if it were said out loud. It's difficult to list all of the places for commas.

Final Thoughts: Even though there were technical issues, I liked the concept. So there could be a great big huge novel here. Please continue. Thanks for sharing.