Hello! I'm one of the judges for the "Newbies ONLY Short Story & Poem Contest" , and after reading your entry, I thought that you might like some feedback. I might not make the final decision, so my opinion might not matter that much in the long run. Still, I might as well give some feedback, right?

Things I Like:

The humor in this piece really is amusing! I imagine that lots of people could relate to it in one way or another. Personally, I am the fixer in my house. My husband is not a "Tool Whisperer" at all! If I left it to him, it wouldn't get built.

The voice used for this story is pretty quirky and unique. It almost reads like a blog entry or a stand-up routine. It is a narrated slice of life type of tale, which works in its favor.

Observations & Suggestions:

This isn't a suggestion for a change so much as an observation. With this type of narrative story, it is almost like reading a monologue... someone is speaking directly to the reader. This makes it difficult and less natural to use imagery, but somehow working some imagery in the story would make it more engaging. If someone can picture it in their mind, that makes the story clearer for them. You do this a little bit, but if you decide to revise, it wouldn't hurt to try to work in some more. It isn't necessary, but it might be nice.

The formatting of this piece is the biggest issue for me. There is a sloppy, chaotic feel to it. Some paragraphs have a double space. Others don't. Some sentence fragments seem purposeful, while others do not. The capital letters and ()'s all over the place add to the chaos. It could work for a piece like this, but it doesn't really. There is a lack of cohesion in the style used.

The biggest problem with this (the reason that it isn't effective for the story) is the distraction factor. The formatting draws the eye toward a capitalized word "THE" or a floating ( Aside with spaces at either end. ). It detracts from the humor because my eye kept getting drawn off to some random line, and then I'd have to find my place again. Italics would be an improvement over the capital letters. Making those asides their own sentence without the parenthesis would be an improvement as well.

The grammar isn't a huge problem because of the comedy style you have going on, but I would still recommend giving it a thorough edit. It would improve readability, that is for sure.

Overall, you have the elements of a really fun story here! Work on the formatting. Aim for cohesion... do things the same way each time. A thorough grammar edit would help as well and improve clarity. The best way to ensure that people will actually read your work is to make it easy for them. The humor is a great hook, but the writing itself cannot seem like work to read. Hammer out the rough edges and you'll have comedy gold.




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .