Alright, love. I finally ended up reading a story of yours. As it turns out, I might just be judging the story section of the "Newbies ONLY Short Story & Poem Contest"  for June. The usual judge is busy elsewhere.

Things I Like:

So... the first thing that struck me is that the ending is lovely. A very sweet sentiment. Very fitting and simple.

Learning how the false imprisonment affected Janette later was interesting and kept me reading.

Tom is a strong character. I think that most people can relate to him on some level. At the moment, he is sad... but I can imagine him becoming more and more bitter as the years pass.

Observations & Suggestions:

Somehow, the story didn't move me. I didn't feel sorry for Tom, and I didn't care that his wife had died. I don't know why really, but that is a pretty important aspect of the story.

One reason for this is probably that he had already learned to live without her, really. So all of the "he had placed his hopes for the future" etc didn't die with her... they would have died when she went to prison. I mean, how many years could he cling to that hope? Could she really be his whole world still if she hadn't lived with him for years? I don't know... somehow it just didn't connect for me.

The only other reason I can think of for the absence of a strong emotional pull is the phrasing. You got a little wordier than needed at times. Sentences seemed a bit labored here and there. Some examples:

"When she came home to the little cottage she could no longer face the world, the cruel incarceration had robbed her of any of the social graces needed to live in society."

Long sentence with lots going on and missing a comma (after 'cottage'). Is "of any of" serving a purpose here? All it does for me is make the sentence awkward and add bulk. "robbed her of the social graces" is concise and means exactly the same thing. This type of tightening throughout the story might make the emotional impact greater. One more example (but not the only other place that you could smooth out):

"The authorities were very helpful and were even going to pay for the burial service, and all the costs associated with it."

This sentence says two things, really. 1. the authorities were being helpful and 2. they were paying for the funeral. So, say that. "The authorities were very helpful and even agreed to pay for all costs associated with the burial." This is 17 words and a pretty simple sentence structure, while yours is 22 words and an overly complicated structure. Again, this type of decluttering... debulking... will make your lines less labored and make for a smoother read.

I will note here too that there are some grammar issues in here. I spotted a tense issue someplace (Found it! "God alone knows how much Janette suffered" the 'knows' should be in past tense, as the whole story is past tense). There are tons of run-on sentences in here too. Well, more like 4 or something? That's a ton for me. A few examples of those:

"He had tried everything he knew to get the evidence of her innocence put into the hands of those in power, to free her from her unjust incarceration, how many times had he failed?"

That "How many times" is a complete sentence. This is so long it could use a break there anyway.

"Tom was desolate, what could he do?" Same here. Questions are still sentences. You can't connect them with a comma.

"Only Tom saw the terrible pain of it in her eyes, she never saw anyone else, refused to return anything at all to the society which she said condemned her to all those years locked up with criminals for company and companionship."

Again, are you noticing that each sentence is like paragraph length? It's great to have some long ones... but when they're all long, it becomes a chore to read. Anyway: "Only Tom... pain of it in her eyes." This is a sentence (and you could cut the "of it" by the way, as we know what you're talking about). So... make the "Only Tom" sentence its own sentence. The next sentence is super long, but it's more manageable without being part of a run-on.

Anyway, these are the only grammar snafus in here, but they are a few to watch out for. One last one... "Tom saw it all, the pain, the desolation, and the frustration of being helpless to do anything about it."

Again, I'd cut that "to do anything about it". What else would be feel helpless about? You don't really need to say that, and the line is stronger if you end it with an emotion. That's not why I chose this one though. "the pain, the desolation, the.." This is a list. "Tom saw it all" introduces the list, so a colon would be perfect. "Tom saw it all: the pain, the desolation.."

Overall, this is a great idea for a story! Love the concept! It could use a little polish. Honestly, a grammar fix and a little bit of editing for clarity will get you there. Remember: the longer the sentence, the more work is needed to make it clear to the reader. No need to over complicate things. Personally, I would rather write a simple sentence and be understood that write a complicated one in which people got lost half way through. Cheers and good luck with the contest, love!




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .