HI there. My name is Loreli and I will be doing this review for a friend of mine lazymarionette .This is a part of the mani/pedi package gifted to you by your Secret Santa. Thanks for being patient while we got things settled. I hope you find my reviews helpful, however I am not a professional so if you disagree with my opinion, please feel free to disregard anything that isn't in your Muse's plan.

First of all, I applaud anyone who can write under a deadline, I certainly can't, and especially a 24 hour one. It is easy for me to find fault when I have had more time to read your piece than you had to write it. You have my respect for even trying the deadline.

I see the prompt bolded, which is good. I like the way it was worked into the piece. It made sense and didn't seem like you were forcing the words to fit the prompt. If I could write in the deadline, mine would have been something along that lines. Mine, however, would have had a horror ending or feel :)

I think the piece needs to be broken up into a few paragraphs. It is a large chunk of text to read. Perhaps a break after "couldn't bring herself to probe". I think that would offer a chance for the reader to take a breath and dive into the next paragraph.

I would also, if you were interested in going back and adding more to the piece not under time restraints, I would add to her internal thoughts. Put them in italics. That cheating bastard. All my friends seem to give me that look like they know something I don't sort of thing.

You say that Bill comes out of the room "slowly and wary" like he knew he was caught. The main character hadn't given any concrete evidence (her own words) until the receipt. And then the guy didn't know she'd found it. I kinda expected him to come out with a

"What is the world is this about? I'm going to be late!" kind of thing until she wields the receipt, and then have him pause and look concerned.

Last comment, I took after the third reading that she was threatening to slam the FRONT door behind her if he can't explain. But most of that I picked up from what I would want, or write myself to happen.

I think it mostly just needs details that come from editing a piece written in a stupid time frame and adding things that you wanted but didn't have time to do so.

My disclaimer, especially since this was an contest entry...if you re-write the piece, feel free to contact me and I would love to come and relook and re-review it.

May your Muse stay perched on your shoulder whispering ideas in your ear!

Loreli

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .