Hi! This is a Power Review with The Newbie Welcome Wagon!

Initial hook:

"Jason got up from his computer chair, stretched and moved to the kitchen to make a cup of coffee. As he walked across the living room he glanced at Alison lounging on the couch. She remained silent, eyes closed, either asleep or seemingly deep in thought. Jason stayed silent too but looked admiringly at her long hair covering her left eye."

This is nice/ You intorudce the title character, and put her in context, with John. He could be her husband, friend, brother-depending on where this story is going!


Plot:

"Should I bring in the minor event or leave it for a few more pages. I must not keep adding so many details of her clothes, that will put off many male readers. He laughed out loud as the thought, “it may add less male readers to the list” crossed his mind. He finished his coffee, rinsed out the mug and put it on the draining rack." This is good. What is going on here? Is he writing about her? This is a great hook to keep readers going through your story. One thing, though. Put speech in speech marks, and thoughts in italics.


Grammar and technical advice:

"That was a fun time, walking along the beach together at all hours of he day and night, paddling in at the water's edge and jumping back as the waves rushed at them. " of the day and night.


Parts I liked:

"Alison opened her eyes and smiled. Her white teeth glistened as her tongue came out and she licked Jason's nose. She jumped up, tail wagging, all traces of sleep gone, mow that a human wanted to do something interesting." Aha! Great, I never suspected!


Parts I thought needed more work/questions:

Why was he looking at geography? To find a great walk?



Overall impression and reason for rating:

Overall, I thought this was very well done. I never guessed what was really going on-doh! THere are just a few lay-out queries: use a new line for dialogue, with a line space after.

Welcome to WdC, and keep writing!

I hope this has been helpful. Please remember it is just my opinion and you know your work best.


The best way to say thanks is to read and review my newest stories:

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