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Initial hook:

"Not good enough!"
Brian Trant pulled the paper from his typewriter and tossed it aside."

This is nice and pulls the reader in. What isn'ty good enough? Who says so?


Plot:

" “I’m afraid so, the android is being…Uppity.” He worried about just how the android was being uppity, it shouldn’t notice the people who came through. Shouldn’t remember their questions, shouldn’t see what it saw. It most definantly shouldn’t be finishing the most famous unfinished novel of Brian Trant. The most famous author who ever lived, whose work was never published or found till a century after his death.

It wasn’t till later that night when he was going through his bag that he asked, “where’s the door opener gone?”"

I thought this was a really nice idea for a plot. I didn't guess at all what was going on, but it all made sense when you explained it.


Atmosphere/tone:

" “You’ll never finish, it didn’t work, hmm.”

“What do you mean I’ll never finish! It’s almost done.” He stopped realizing he had more important things to do than defend his work. “Get out. It’s none of your business anyway!”"

You use the dialogue really well to ratcket up the tension and make the reader really curious. This adds to the pace and tone of the story.


Dialogue:

" “That way,” She replied, pointing at a blank wall.

“There’s nothing there,” He said confused and a bit angry.

“Can’t you see the door?” She said smirking.

Great, she was insane. “There’s no door there, what’s your name?”

“Amellia.” She smiled and said, “Brian Trant, right?”

“Eh? How do you know who I am?”

“You’re famous of course.”"

I thought this was great dialogue. It sets the scene, and moves the plot forwards well.


" “Hey, where’d you go? Get back in here!” He tried to check in the other two rooms of the apartment but the doors were equally impenetrable.

“There isn’t anything behind those doors,” a man spoke.

Brian spun around, “the hell, where you come from? Where’d that girl go?

The man walked up to Brian. “Odd,” he said.

“Damnit what’s going on?!”

The man poked Brian in the temple and said, “full stop.”"


Again, this is brilliant. What is going on? It's confusing, but interesting. Great stuff!

Grammar and technical advice:

You are missing some commas, and some other grammatical odds and ends. Just give it a proofread, and check up on basic grammar.


Parts I liked:

I thought this was a great plot. It had twists and turns and kept me guessing right to the end.



Overall impression and reason for rating:


Overall, I thought this was a really nice peice of work. Brush up on your grammar, and prooread, and this will be a great piece. Excellent job!



I hope this has been helpful. Please remember it is just my opinion and you know your work best.


The best way to say thanks is to read and review my newest stories:

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