Hi! This is a Power Review with The Newbie Welcome Wagon!

Initial hook:

"She was a girl. There was no girl in her. She was alone. But she was never alone. She hated all. They hurt her from the begging. Then one day.... She ended it all...." This is nice and mysterious. What is going on here?


Plot:

". She used to have a better, longer knife. Her father had given it to her, but it was gone. They had found it. A couple months ago. They almost killed her for it." This is interesting. Who is the "master" if not her father? Why does her father let them hurt her? These are all good questions to keep the redaer reading.


Atmosphere/tone:

The story of abuse is done really well. The lonliness of the little girl is excellent, and her desire for revenge, and to make sure he doesn't hurt anyone else.


Grammar and technical advice:

"They hurt her from the begging." beginning?

"She stood there, watching him, "master" more like killer. She hated him more than anything. " The first sentence isn't grammatically correct. Something like "She stood there, watching him. "Master", more like killer. She hated him more than anything. "

""Hey! Stop standing around! Get back to work!.... And watch where you're going" he said " Needs a full stop.

""Yes sir.. Sorry sir." she replied. " Too many full stops!

"Her father had given it to her, but it was gone. They had found it. A couple months ago. They almost killed her for it. But a few seconds before they did, he stopped them. She has scars from where they beat her. " You've jumped arund with tenses here. Stick to one, it makes the writing flow better.

" She had the privilege of watching her fathers life escape from his bright, glassy blue eyes. That was the night, I sore He'd die. And I- I would be the one to kill him. And not just any death. The possibly most brutalized death ever! " Needs quotations marks for speach, or italics for thoughts.

""Ugh! Okay. I'll be down in a minute." then he whispered in my ear. "You better hush now..." then put a finger to my mouth. She nodded my head in agreement. " Should that be "her mouth"?

" As he did tears started rolling out of Her eyes." She or her hasn't been capitalised this far.

"While doing so She wondered, He knew She cut. But not what with... " Check this out for grammar.

"Over the next month He didn't do anything to me. Thankfully, but He did grow sicker, weaker, and He was in more pain. He was ready. How did he get sick? No one knows but Her, and She was not one to tell. " Me or her?

" So, I ten vowed I would kill him." then


Parts I liked:

I thought your tone was perfect for the story. You built up the tension, and made the reade really hate the "Master". It was a great job.


Parts I thought needed more work/questions:

"They beat her with her own weapon, thinking they'd teach her a lesson." Do you beat someeone with a knife? It sounds a bit wrong.

"And as soon as He was about to slide it into Her. She took a rag and tied it around His mouth." How does this work? How did he not see the rag coming for his mouth? He can't have been that weak if he was able to rape her.

""45 years ago today He was killed. Killed by His own "Child" it was a brutal murder and it is understood why. We know exactly where She is at the moment. But we have decided that She can be free. We apologize for all Her pain. And we thank Her. She was brave and a hero to many. She was only aware of what happened to Her, come to find out. Many other more people were being tortured by Him. For when the crime scene was found, not only Hers, but many other letters were found. Thank you Ma'am. And have a wonderful life!" There was a picture of the crime scene below. She counted, 67 letters, just from what she could see. And then there was a close up of only hers. Tears streamed down Her face. She was proud to be who she is now. And She is proud of what she did! "

this ending, although nice, seems a bit unlikely. What police would ever put out an article like this?


Overall impression and reason for rating:

I thought this was a good idea for a story. There were some grammar errord, and it could use a proofread, but overall, you captured the tone and sense of this story, and wrote it well. A great job! Keep on writing...


I hope this has been helpful. Please remember it is just my opinion and you know your work best.


The best way to say thanks is to read and review my newest stories:

Invalid Item  This item number is not valid. #1904331 by Not Available.

Invalid Item  This item number is not valid. #1910489 by Not Available.

Unfortunately, if you are not a Registered Author or above you cannot read my work. This is to protect my copyright, and keep my work from the entire internet.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

This is a Power Review from

GROUP

WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E) Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of eight Quills! #1300305 by Maryann

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .