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 Review #3790773 |
 Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! Title: Why do we let Them? Author: Ringsea  Type: Short story  First Impressions: To be honest, it’s a little difficult to understand what is going on in this story. We know it is a sort of apocalyptic world focused around the mid-west, and that an ancient rivalry between Nebraska and Iowa seem to play a part. The story is partly marred by a confusing opening paragraph, which is difficult to unravel. We know Joe was famous as a football player, but apparently was opposed to the European Utopia, which apparently many Americans admired, though not by those in the mid-west. The grammar needs work in that first part which I will get into shortly. We know there is a resistance that Joe leads, and that those who rally behind him treat him as a hero, partly because of his football prowess. We don’t really know the nature of the opposition or the resistance, and especially what the European Utopia stands for, or does. While the end of your story suggests that this is the third of a three-part story, you never tell the reader that until he gets to the end, so we can only judge what we read based on what we see in print. Therefore, there are a lot of unknowns here. Some brief explanation of the past would be helpful. Some definition of the Utopia would also aid the reader while reading. Also, if we know more about Joe, besides the fact that he was a football hero would be useful. Why has he found himself in the place of leadership as he has? What has he done since his football days to merit such a place? I think the story has an intrigue to it, and potential to be exciting. I do think it needs and extensive edit with an eye to clarity, and a lot more description and general explanations. I would certainly add a link to the other parts of this story, so the reader can go find it and see what information is there that can help him better understand this tale. For as it now stands, with no link, or even an explanation that this is part three (until the end) we can only judge it as an individual piece.  Suggestions: Paragraph One: his fans say it was his victory winning touchdown streak against the hated Iowans in his first ever game Do you mean, “victory winning touchdown”? It just seems awkward the other way. A streak is a series, and if you did mean a series of touchdowns, you may want to write it in a different way to better reflect that intention. Paragraph One: haters say it's Nebraska trying to hide his "adult language" in refering to the ever more popular European Utopia and their "glorious balance of science,culture,magic, and freedom" that made many Americans admire it, hardly any of these supporters in the ever freedom loving patriots in the Midwest. “referring.” I’d put spaces after commas. Why is Nebraska trying to hide his adult language when he spoke about European Utopia? We’re they trying to be diplomatic? Were they ashamed of it? A brief explanation would help your readers here. Also, almost that entire first paragraph is a run-on sentence. I’d try to break it up into several sentences. Paragraph Two: what was either a church or a bank He can’t tell the difference between a bank or a church? It would seem easy enough to tell the difference, if not from the exterior then from the interior. Paragraph Two: The cold air of impending snow, much earlier then it ever had been in Locke's 30 years of life and residency in Nebraska, was only kept out of his face by an ugly red tie You need “than” instead of “then.” Are you saying the cold air was kept out of his face by a tie? What was he doing with the tie that kept the cold air from his face? Tell the reader what that was. Paragraph Two: and sheer will pushed him through the dead streets. This needs to be a new sentence. As it now reads, sheer will that pushed him through dead streets helped to keep the cold air out of his face. Which you surely don’t mean. Paragraph Two: “The frost and wind howled” How did the frost howl? Paragraph Two: The frost and wind howled with could be heard as either screams and frantic prayers or a soothing melody of hopeful chants. Why could it be heard as one or the other? You really should explain why there is a difference. And I think you mean, “which could be heard.” Paragraph Three: A single twin bed with no pillows and worn sheets. That is a sentence fragment, there is no subject. What about that bed and worn sheets? Whatever it is, add it in. Paragraph Five: I helped some.people cross west from Iowa Remove the period. Paragraph Six: and light shone into the rubble of the church-bank-thing. Don’t just call it a thing, that is just being too informal. It is a building, call it that. Paragraph Seven: a gathering of men, women and even some children gathered Avoid using the same or similar word (gathering/gather) close together.  Final Thoughts: There are splashes of effective imagery and description, but the story too often is a victim of loose writing. An edit would help, hopefully some of my suggestions will be of use there. What will really help will be adding more description and explanations for what is going on, and how the situation came to be as it now is. Readers like to know the background and why things as they are. It helps them when reading, for enjoyment as well as comprehension. I do like the basis of the tale. That it’s become an apocalyptic world and that there are those willing to fight, to become the resistance. I would give this an edit however. 
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