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 Review #3789696 |
 | The Day I Met The Grim Reaper  [E] a descriptive text that can be interpreted as you choose  |
| (2.5)  Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! Title: The Day I Met The Grim Reaper Author: Scarlet Type: Short story  First Impressions: The first thing I noticed is: there are no spaces between paragraphs. I think this might have occurred when you copy and pasted from a word processor to the site. Just adding a space is easy.  It is an at times confounding, and at other times fascinating look at death. It is confounding because the grammar and style hampers the reading and appreciation of the work. Lines tend to be jumbled, repeated and there are spelling and punctuation issues, as well as a general convoluted style. At times, the plot excels with its abstract, metaphorical style. The opening paragraph, despite grammatical issues, is a strong beginning and illustrates the deep imagery of the scene. It seems that you condense the world into one’s own objective view. When death approaches, the world ceases to exist, except as one’s own inner being. It all ceases to have relevance and breaks down into colours, sounds and vibrations. You present a unique world, for it is one that is all within one’s mind, and of course, beyond to whatever spectral place we may go when we die. It is a fascinating view and approach. You capture the mood and desire to pass on from life. To take that walk toward the beautiful, toward the bright light. Some of this is exceedingly well done, but is somewhat marred by a lack of editing, spell checking and grammatical inexperience. I can help with some of that, if you are interested. In the singular chance that you are, I will post my suggestions below.  Suggestions: The ground passed by as if it flew on the wind, a blur of colours among many other different colours all joining together to make one. I’d avoid using the same words close together (colours.) And I’d remove, “all” since it seems unnecessary. The world was as daze and nothing seemed as it should, shapes that resembled people, walked forward. As daze? “dazed” maybe? Also, I’d put the word, “as” before, “shapes.” Pushing and shoving and each holding a different world tied to a string. So many people, so many worlds, each a different colour, red and blue and yellow… A scream could be heard from far away. people began to run forward letting their worlds go and each floated into the sky adding to the many colours of the world. The first sentence lacks a subject. What is pushing and shoving? And I’d just put a period after the word, “yellow.” I’d get rid of the ellipses and capitalize the, “p” in, “people.” The colours joined together Just “joined” would be enough. “Together” is redundant. Was there nothing more than darkness theft? Do you mean, “left”? A loud high pitched sound could be heard “high-pitched”? a constant sound that could of broken glass. “...could have broken glass.” The sound wouldn’t stop, it continued to ring and no end could be seen. Seen? How can one see the ending of a sound? How about, “imagined” or even, “heard”? A light so bright that it chased away all sings of darkness, “signs”? Still the constant sound was there an ear piercing ring, why would it not go away? I think this needs re-writing. Maybe a semi-colon after, “there”? But mostly it just reads awkwardly. A longing to be among the people that seemed so happy and joyful seemed to appear a need to be among them but the world was like an ocean of pain during a storm pushing and pulling many different ways not knowing which way was up. I think this needs a serious rewrite too. I’m really not sure what you are saying there, though I could guess. But it would make it easier on the reader if you rewrote it. To great longings in one person must be disastrous. “Too great.” The next sentence has the same issue. only the ach of loneliness remained. “ache”? Not a sound could be heard., Nothing not even the sound of a chime that was as constant as a heartbeat. How about: Not a sound could be heard, not even the sound of a chime that was as constant as a heartbeat. a light so bright that you could have seen it from the other side of space. The colours of the world began to reappear like stars in the night sky. Slowly at first but then they began to increase in speed and size as if each was in its on personal race to be the biggest and fastest of them all. This is all repeated from earlier in your story. Did you mean to remove one of the parts?  Final Thoughts: Parts of this tale is well told and expressed, but even the parts that are suffer from any number of grammatical, spelling or style issues. The story has a vast number of issues, and hopefully I helped with a number of them. The story has such potential and deserves the attention to clean this piece up and let readers see its full potential. Until then, they will find reading this story difficult because of the number of issues here. However, I can see the potential and this it deserves a chance to shine. 
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You responded to this review 11/26/2012 @ 4:33am EST