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 Review #3789498 |
 | Man of the Cloth  [13+] You will do what we ask when we ask you to do it. Never forget who you work for, Father.  |
| (4.0)  Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! Title: Man of the Cloth Author: Kbennett Type: Short story  First Impressions: I believe you said it was just a draft and so I can’t expect all my questions answered there, but I can pose them just the same. I do wonder what kind of an operation this is. We don’t even know if they are good or bad. That isn’t necessarily a bad thing for it keeps the reader intrigued and aware, trying to determine which. I like the main character; having him living undercover as a priest is a good addition. He seems real, and you give him good characterizations and I can see where he might have a sarcastic wit, which will add to the story. The dialogue between he and Martinez was well done, I thought. As with most stories on this site, I‘d like more detail, more description, but I think that will come when you write the finished product. It’ll probably be multiple chapters and that will be good. Hopefully the reader will learn more about the operation and the nature of their activities. Though it is fairly well written, I did spot a few things that you might like to take a look at.  Suggestions: He's just waiting. Told to be there at eleven am. Since the second sentence is a fragment, I’d just combine the two sentences. He forgets sometimes that he is a Priest. Wearing the familiar black suit with white collar. Again, the second sentence is just a fragment, so I’d combine the two, using whatever extra word or two you need to make that work. A man in his mid twenties nervously sits next to him on the bench. Tall, skinny, blonde hair. How about: A tall, skinny, blonde haired man in his mid-twenties nervously sits next to him on the bench? The man places a briefcase next to Father Kelley's and picks up the middle aged Priests briefcase and walks off. “middle-aged.” After securing the briefcase under the spare tire in the trunk he heads off for some lunch and his next meeting. “...in the trunk, he heads off...” Face to face meetings rarely happen, it's to risky. “too risky.” Mid thirties, long black hair, to the middle of her back. Another sentence fragment. It feels incomplete. "You guys were fourteen minutes late." With a look of disapproval on his face. It seems that you sometimes forget some of the basic rudiments of wring like here: he said, with a look of disapproval on his face. It just links it all together and makes it read more smoothly. "You know your not supposed to be doing that. Are you!?" “you’re,” as it's a contraction of “you are.” You shouldn’t use both an exclamation mark and a question mark at the end of a sentence. Just choose the one that you feel is the most important and use that one. "I think you're enjoying this a little to much “too.” You will do what we ask when we ask you to. When you can avoid ending a sentence in a preposition, I would. In this case removing, “you to.” would not hurt the meaning of the sentence.  Final Thoughts: It’s an entertaining and intriguing tale that just needs a little editing and further explanation to be an excellent story. A lot, of course, will depend on the nature of their business, and whether you can carry that storyline throughout in a convincing and agreeable manner. If you can keep the story clear and on point, and not get lost in the effluvia that a lot of writers find themselves mired down in, I see no reason why this shouldn’t be a successful story. Despite my suggestions, don’t be misled, I think you did well. 
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