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 Review #3788911 |
 | The Will to Survive  [13+] This series will give several survivor's views of the end of the world.  |
| (2.5)  Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! Title: The Will to Survive Author: Michael E Type: Short story  First Impression: The first thing I would suggest is to change the italics to normal font. It just makes it hard to read. It is an interesting premise that will remind readers of earlier works that focus on genetic infections destroying mankind. It’s a more plausible idea than many may realize. I like how you set the opening scene. We see his life is rural Texas, far away from all the troubles of life. There is a sense that “it can’t happen here,” which disarms the residents of that area. It’s like any tragedy, when we have never faced it, we feel immune to it. Unfortunately that is never a safe way to live. While this section doesn’t give them names, these creatures do seem like zombies, and it’s particularly alarming that they should arrive at such a rural place. However, people die everywhere, not just the cities, and this becomes a reality for the narrator. While it’s a harrowing and intriguing plot, the writing could use some work. The style is loose, lacks proper grammatical cues for proper reading and the writing at times has a lack of cohesiveness. I will point out some of those issues in the suggestions area.  Suggestions: Really I was out doing a little target practice I’d put a comma after “Really.” ...automatic pistol I was getting pretty and he trusted me with it. I’d put a period after, “pistol.” And he was getting pretty what? Good? Now that I think back on it it’s pretty damned lucky I had that gun with me. How about, Now that I think back, it’s pretty damned lucky I had that gun with me. We all heard of the CDC doing tests on people and compelling people to get away from major cities I‘d avoid using the same word in proximity (people) of one another. It tends to have a repetitive tone. Well when the school shut down we didn’t really have a problem with that. Anyways, I was doing pretty good had ear protection of course that thing will leave your ears ringing for a good while. Going from school back to shooting the gun is an awkward transition. Just writing, “Anyway,” isn’t enough of a transition, you need to make it clear to the reader that you are going back to discussing the gun and shooting. Something like, Anyway, as far as my shooting skills were concerned, I was doing pretty good. I had ear protection of course, as a rifle like that will leave your ears ringing for a good while if you don’t. I didn’t waste any time kicking my assailant off of me. “off me.” what laid on the ground “lay.” It was what looked like a man but was missing half its face, its skin seemed rotten to the bone, the worst thing however was the way it moved, my kick which landed center mass on the beast was enough to stun it but when it stood up it was as if the thing had no intellect at all just a body moving at pure instinct. That is a long sentence and could be broken up as well as given proper punctuation. I’d first put a period after, “face.” Then maybe, While its skin seemed rotten to the bone, the worst thing was the way it moved. You might want to then explain briefly what that movement looks like. I’d begin a new sentence with, “My kick….” And I’d put a period after, “to stun it.” I warned what I preceded to be a man to stay down or I would shoot. “Preceded”? I’m not sure you are using that word correctly. Do you mean, “presumed”? I’d put a comma after, “warned” and after, “am.” When it did not respond or stop getting up I shot a warning shot into the ground, something I was told I should never do “Only shoot to kill” but I had no idea what else to do, it still didn’t act in response at all and when it finally clawed itself up using a small tree (leaving its rotten fingernails in the tree) it lunged at me, I only had time to react in pure reflex and shot it right in the stomach. That is a long, confusing sentence. It could us punctuation, and it could be broken up into more than one sentence. Generally, I think it needs to be rewritten. I think you are trying to combine too much into a small space. For example, we don’t really need to know what the narrator was taught about shooting into the ground. It doesn’t pertain to the story. It didn’t stop in fact this seemed to motivate it. I’d put a comma after, “stop.” It lunged at me again this time harder I kicked it in the leg and it fell then I brought the pistol to its forehead and pulled the trigger. It seems to be missing something here. First a comma after, “again.” Then maybe re-write, “This time I kicked it harder in the leg and it fell...  Final Thoughts: I’m glad the story didn’t just start with the attack immediately. You did give some backstory, though I’d like to have seen more. I do think the story could use a solid edit, that there are places that could use grammatical, as well as stylistic work. I think an interesting addition would be a touch of humour to this piece. Ever see “Zombieland?” Something like that maybe. Just anything to lighten the subject and maybe entertain a wider audience. I think you have the essential elements here for a frightening tale. I do think a lot depends on how well you handle the suspense and of course whether you edit it so readers can focus just on your story. 
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