Hi there,

This story holds a lot of promise. I found myself wanting to know more about Galexy and the Moonwispers. However, there were a ton of grammatical, structural, and formatting errors. I will try to help you as much as I can in this review, and I hope you will not take any offense from my comments. This is just a guideline to get you thinking about your work, not something set in stone you have to follow.

I will put your sentences in quotes, and my rewrites underneath, with reasons in italics.


The birth of a star is something a lot of people think happens far out in the universe. They are completely wrong.

Stars have no beginning, but stars are born. Adding a comma after star is more concurrent to dialogue, not to narration. Saying birth and starts out is repetitive, so I substituted that with happens. Everything is in the universe, so I added far out to attempt to show what I think you were trying to say. Even further than this though, a lot can be done to this sentence to make it more appealing. However, I tried to keep with your basic structure.


A star is born in a girl. I am that girl. My name is Galexy, a name I gave myself after my parents died in my infancy.

I used born again, as stars don't start out. "I am that girl," is again very dialogue-y, and although I wouldn't prefer it for narration, it is technically correct so I will keep it. Galexy is a proper noun and should be capitalized. There is now a lot of information the reader really doesn't need to know. I would go as far as omitting the entirety of why her name is Galexy, however, I believe what I have condensed it to is okay too. Ask yourself, do the readers really need to know that her parents died when she was 3? Is it pivotal to the story to know that she named herself? I wouldn't know how the story eventually progresses, so that should be up to you.



I'm a foster care child, hiding my large wings and incredible powers.

Again, the issue with the amount of information you give. Do the readers really need to know that she has a wingspan of 13 feet? Can you subtly reveal at a later time the extent of her powers? The goal of editing (to me) is to get the writing as concise as possible. In this day and age of information overload, you want to convey your message with the least amount of words possible.


My magic is limited to good magic because I was born a good star.

The start of the sentence is awkward and upon being read aloud, it again sounds like dialogue and would not be deemed as proper for a narrative. There is also once again, an influx of information in here. Do the readers really need to know that Galexy wouldn't use evil magic if she had it? Is it really pivotal to the story? This is one of the most important lessons I learned in regards to writing, asking yourself if the reader really needs to know this information, and if they need to know it right at that moment.


I have a sister named Amanda, and she's the only one that knows about how I'm a star because she's the best at keeping secrets.

Did we not just say that there was a last piece of information? You can't say "last piece" multiple times during a piece, it'd confuse the reader as it'd confuse me. This part also confused me. How does Galexy have a sister if her parents died at youth? What do you mean she has a little bit of power? The sentence explaining about how she can hide a secret well is long and wordy, and you need to find a way to convey that in fewer words.


From the underworld, Moonwispers are monsters that are constantly trying to kill me to get my powers. Currently, a group are chasing me as I try to find a place to hide.

Again with the dialogue that doesn't fit with the narration. There is also another wordy explanation that may be conveyed in fewer words. Lastly, how did we get from narration to action? From what I see, this is like an intro to a movie, where the main character is talking, and then we stream into full color and action. Books don't work that way, at least to me, and I found it hard to follow as we went from an explanation to action. You could, however, start with the action and explain as you went. This is a much more effective way to write, as it hooks the reader and doesn't get them confused. For example, you could start with the Moonwispers chasing after Galexy, not revealing the extent of her powers or anything about her sisters until they come into play.

By this point, I think you should be able to understand the common errors in your first paragraph. I'm going to trust you understand what to do with the rest of it in regards to story flow, narration, and condensation, and move onto the second paragraph.


I gave up tossing and turning and decided to go downstairs instead. Amanda was sneaking in through the window.

Does the reader really need to know how long Galexy was trying to sleep? How did Galexy know that Amanda was out with her friends? Try and make the words flow better.


"Hey Galexy. I didn't think you'd be awake," Amanda said as she landed on the floor. "Oh crap, I woke you up, didn't I? Who else is awake? Did I wake Elenor up? Did I-"

"No, you didn't wake me up. It was my usual nightmare and you and me are the only ones awake. You are all good." I replied reassuringly.

Dialogue must be split into two different paragraphs if two different characters are speaking. I can't stress this enough! There must also be some sort of action between the dialogue, as I don't think Amanda is still half-in the window as she says these things. I also found flaws within the dialogue, but I tried to keep as close to the original as I could. Dialogue represents how a character talks, and things that may be improper throughout the rest of the work would be okay within dialogue, because it is a direct representation of what the character is saying. Try to think if Galexy would really say "You are all good," or would she say "You're all good." It makes a difference.


Elenor, the woman who runs this place, is a dark angel who would kill me if she knew I was a star. The other girls and I are trying to get out of here by pulling stunts at the school to get expelled. The Moonwispers will find me if we stay much longer.

Lose the "By the way." You can merely enter in this information after the dialogue containing her introduction. It would act as the narrator's thoughts, not something added in. There are once again, too many words, that can be easily condensed.


"Oh, thank god," Amanda said.

"We should get to bed."

"Okay then. Good night, Galexy," she said as she walked towards her room.

"Good night."

"Oh, thank god," is already a phrase that signifies relief. It is repetitive to say how Amanda says it, unless it deviates from the norm. For example, if she said it sarcastically, that would need to be stated. Automatically, the reader assumes it is with relief, because it is a phrase that signifies relief. I had to change some of the dialogue in this, only because of the cliche at the end. Try to avoid using cliches if something else can be used instead. For example, if Galexy replied with "Good night," the reader would assume she also went to bed. It doesn't need to be stated again.

Other than my specific rewrites, a few other things I'd like to state:
- Please, please, please use a spell-checker! The editor in WDC has one, and if you wrote this in a processor like Word, they should have one there too. I shouldn't have to point out simple things such as spelling errors. Your reader's time is as valuable as yours!
- Formatting is a major part of getting read on WDC. I'd recommend reading "Effective Formatting"  and editing your work again. It can really make the difference between getting read and getting reviews, and just having pageviews without any interactivity.
- Is this a short story, or a prologue entering a longer work? It was incredibly anticlimatic, and I was expecting more at the end. If it is just a draft of a longer work, feel free to write an Introductory Paragraph stating this, otherwise the reader will believe this is the whole work.

Overall, there is a great potential with this piece. I liked the core story idea, and would love to see it expanded upon. Remember that my comments are merely my comments, and not to take this with any offense! If you don't like any of my rewrites, you don't have to use them. And lastly, welcome again to Writing.com. I hope you enjoy your experience here, and if you ever need any help, feel free to email me, or check out The Newbie Welcome Wagon I linked to at the beginning of this review.

R. Silver