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 Review #3788227 |
 | I Failed Love  [E] its about what i have felt aftr being seperated by my parents frm the person i loved most.  |
| (2.0)  Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! Title: I Failed Love Author: S.Love Type: Short story There are parts to this story that carry with it strength and interest. Unfortunately, those were interspersed with an awkward style that had a number of grammatical issues that suggested you never gave this a second read. While at times the style kept me interested, at other times the writing was just so grammatically challenged that it made reading the story difficult. It just needs a lot. It lacks commas, style and essentially the patience of editing. Subjects tended to blend in together, without segue or even punctuation. The reader finds himself spending most of his time trying to piece together the storyline. I did find myself interested in what was happening. Though it was confusing in places, still, the process that she goes through has its moments of intrigue. I just really think you need to settle down and take your time writing. I have a feeling that you want to tell your story in one setting and good writing takes more work than that. I’d definitely suggest reading what you wrote when you are done. If you have access to MS Word, or a similar word processor, I’d avail yourself of that too, at the very least, use spell check. You can start by starting sentences with capital letters and use hyphens in contractions in words like “don’t” (do not.) I'm not saying this to be mean, but there are just so many issues here, I don’t know where to begin to help you make corrections. You could also make sure that when you write a sentence that you’ve given the reader enough information for him to understand what you mean. Break your story into paragraphs too, it’ll help the reader. I do wonder what you meant by: As i take a deep breath to gather my sanity, i smell death and cold wood trying its best to survive…. I’m lost as to what that means. What is cold wood and why would it be trying to survive? A little clarity would definitely help the reader understand your story better. Also, be more dramatic, lead into a dramatic part with more flair. For example, when she leaps into the water, you describe it like this: All thats on my mind is him with his playful smiles. Before i know it i come in touch with the icy water and at that moment i realize its so cowardly of me. It is an important part of the story and yet you just let it be known with no drama, no lead in, no contemplation on her part. It’s a powerful moment, and yet you play it down with a, “Before I know it...” When she finally is in the water, that is when you are at your best. While there are still a lot of mistakes, you also display a lot of imagery and drama. It’s the best part of the story, I think. Hopefully this didn’t discourage you. It wasn’t intended that way. I actually want to help you, to show you some of the simple things that you can do to make this a better story. I just think you need to slow down, think about what you are writing, and re-read what you do write. Something like this is very short, so doing both really isn’t a lot of work. I hope you keep writing. We’re all beginners here trying to improve. Fortunately there are a lot of readers on this site who want to help us do that. I hope I’ve helped, at least a little. ** Image ID #1833995 Unavailable **
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You responded to this review 11/22/2012 @ 11:55am EST