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 Review #3787869 |
 Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon"  ! Title: Looking West Author: Ringsea  Type: Short story  First Impression: The backdrop of this beautiful story is a dark, sinister one, and though I’m not sure of the actual camp that these people are kept in (though a Nazi concentration camp would certainly fit) the reader knows that the scene is deceptive, the beauty hides a realism to cruel to be condoned. It is a well-written excerpt, but to me that is all it is, an excerpt. The story lacks a precise theme, and the storyline is a partial one at best. I do wonder if you plan to expand upon this. It sure would benefit from it. It would actually make a good introduction to a longer work about those camps, or fences, depending on the nature of this story. See, that is the thing. The reader isn’t sure what is exactly going on. That can be good. You want some mystery to build suspense and of course to hint at any injustice that you are aiming your satire at. But it would be good to make it somewhat clear, so the reader at least has a hint what is going on. We know there is a repressive regime at work here, but we don’t even know if it is a fence (like one between the United States and Mexico, or like the one in Auschwitz.) It does make a difference to the reader which type you mean.  Suggestions: Paragraph Two: Looking West and across the fences that swarm with guards was the national pass-time here I wonder if, “swam,” or, “swarmed” might be better? The story seems to be in past tense, so that makes me think those words might fit better, though I can see why you chose, “swarm.” I think you want, “pastime.” Paragraph Three: so as to avoid the light and winds coming from the West. Instead of, “so as,” why not just delete those and keep, “to.” You’re jut using more words than you need and it had an awkward tone. Paragraph Three: This silent mass of of humanity Delete the repeated, “of.” Paragraph Three: the lights turned their blind and unjudging gazes I think the word you want is, “nonjudgmental.” Having said that, I would delete “nonjudgmental(unjudging)” since it’s the same thing as, “blind” here. Paragraph Three: to these long-dead and long-broken hills. I think you can get rid of that second, “long.” I think the idea is understood. Paragraph Three: Silence and darkness return as the lights turn away to focus elsewhere. The story’s been past tense, so I would keep it that way, “returned” and “turned.” Having said that, I’d avoid using similar words close together. I’d find a different word for one of those two I underlined.  Final Thoughts: The main strength of this piece is in the contrast between the natural scene and that of the man-made one. In that contrast we see how like can be, and how it is. It creates a judgement against man, suggesting that what he creates is inferior unnatural, and caustic. I do get the feeling that I am missing something here, something important. At the end you write: Silence reaches the top of the cold hills, and feels the wind coming from the West for the first time, and knew it well. I can’t help but feel, that whatever I am missing is right there. Maybe what is confusing me is the word, “Silence.” When you write, “Silence” do you mean the act of silence, or is that a person? If it is a person, you really want to make that clearer so readers like me, aren’t confused by it. I don’t think you meant a person, but I had to ask. It does have an eerie quality that is hard to shake. There is a lot of beauty within this frightening scene, and you get the feeling people live beneath the terror, maybe hiding, but maybe waiting to make their escape. It could be historical, modern, or futuristic, what it is, is timeless, for totalitarian regimes always seem to exist, and even in Democracies, they find ways to exist, at least in a muted form. 
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