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 Review #3787621 |
 | Mysterious girl  [] This short story is based on an expierience. However it's not an exact replica of my it.  |
 Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! Title: Mysterious girl Author: Daniel Type: Short story  First Impression: It is a simple, but cute story. Well, I say cute, because I see this as a tale of young, shy love, or at least, budding love. It is a very basic tale, stripped down to all but its basic elements. There isn’t much description or detail, no real dialogue, it’s just the most pertinent information. The reader will notice this loss of course, so you may want to think about adding more story, and detail. We do identify with the young man, of course. We’ve all had those moments where we want to talk to someone of potential romantic interest. We’ve had those nerves, those doubts, so we can feel for this young man as he awkwardly tries to speak to this paragon of perfection. I especially liked how you presented that dramatic moment when he finally decides to talk to her. There is so much tension built up that he just awkwardly blurts his greeting. When she walks on by, our hearts go out to the young man, and we quickly begin to think of reasons why she might do such a thing, preparing to hate her if necessary. We are firmly in the young man’s corner, ready to defend him. Of course it isn’t necessary, or at least we don’t think, for he finds that slip of paper, and we assume all will be right with the world. Just letting the note drop to the ground is an odd thing to do. What were the chances that he would actually see it? However, she might have an indomitable spirit and planned to drop a not every day until he saw it, who knows, lol. It was kind of a sweet ending for it showed that she was shy too, and had been planning her own way of contacting him. It is an enjoyable story, but one that could use some work. There are a number of issues here that you may want to take a look at. In the chance that you might, I will point some of those out below:  Suggestions: Paragraph One: I sat down with my food and saw her. That sentence is rather generic; “with my food” seems bland. Punch it up a little. What kind of food? Give the beginning a little life. Undoubtably the most beautiful person Ive ever seen in my life. That's a sentence fragment. How about adding a little like, She was undoubtedly the most beautiful person I’d ever seen. The things there: First, it should be, “undoubtedly.” Second, since you began the story in past tense, it should be “I’d.” Third, don’t forget to hyphenate contractions. Paragraph Two: I was frozen. The next second she got up and left. Something was wrong. I felt completely helpless. A lot of your sentences tend to be choppy. Try to add some detail now and then. For example, taking one of your sentences above: The next second, she stood up, and without saying a word, walked away. What I did is added more detail, more imagery, giving the reader more detail and varied the sentence length so the story doesn’t feel so static and choppy. I’d also be careful with adverbs like, “completely.” They are just qualifiers that have little to no value in a story. Paragraph Three: Meybe it's fate? “Maybe.” This same tedious day happened for another 3 days in a row. That day didn’t really happen three days in a row. A day can only happen once. What happened was the same tedium. Express it so that it is accurate, like: That same tedium punctuated the next three days, leaving me bored and anxious. Something like that. Paragraph Four: A beatiful sunny day I remember feeling empowered by the sun... “Beautiful.” What if you added a few words to make the above sentence feel complete. It was a beautiful, sunny day and I remember feeling empowered... Than In the distance i saw her “Then” and “I.” It was her. Redundant. The reader knows it is her. Paragraph Five: She walked past me but didnt utter a word. “didn’t.” see her turn the corner into another street. Maybe “into,” is ok, but to me, “onto” seems better. Paragraph Six: The sun was bright and I quickly tilted my head down to the pavement to protect my eyes. My eyes recovered and then I saw it. Avoid using the same word close together. It gives that part of the story a repetitive feel. I saw a phone number in pink pen. The phone number is actually in pink ink, not pink “pen.”  Final Thoughts:It is an amusing tale and most of us can identify with the emotions here. We eagerly follow the young man, wondering if he’ll build up the courage to say something to the girl. The tale is somewhat harmed by the technical issues. Hopefully you’ll take a look at my suggestions, and if they seem worthy, apply some of them. It’ll make for a better story I think, one with less issues and a little more clarity. Maybe others will stop by and see things I missed, thus helping you more. We are all here to learn, and to be read, so we might as well take advantage of the free help available from readers on this site. Hopefully, I helped some. I wish you well in your future writing. ** Image ID #1833397 Unavailable **
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You responded to this review 11/19/2012 @ 1:10am EST